8w ultrasound, graduation and lots of emotions

Since everything was as normal as can be at my ultrasound Thursday, I graduated from my RE. I am so thankful for their help and so sad to be leaving! It's beyond emotional. I mean, they grew the baby inside of me and cared for it and gave it a chance at life. How amazing is that? DH couldn't be with me at the appt which was a bummer. But I did get to see the heartbeat again and it measured a healthy 136bpm.

Now I move on to being a regular pregnant lady :)

we are having a ...

B-A-B-Y!

Say hello to baby D, known now as the little blob in me that has a heartbeat! So awesome!

I must say, seeing that heartbeat was the most amazing sight I've ever seen. I go back at 8 weeks for another u/s to make sure everything is moving along as planned but considering all this nausea (whoever named it MORNING sickness must have been a man) I think our little blob is growing just fine :)

Today I'm 6w4d and this pic is from 5w6d.

milestone eve!

I am so excited for tomorrow's ultrasound! I ended up requesting for most of the day off of work - I say most because I have an event to be at midday - because I'm hoping to have a lot to celebrate with the hubby. I'm just hoping for a healthy view of whatever we see (but a heartbeat [or two!] would be a very nice surprise).

I'll certainly update once I have news. Oh, I hope I can sleep tonight!

And the nausea has gotten worse. I'm currently sipping on ginger ale and just had a granola bar. Meals are small and frequent, mostly involving carbs ... ah, well :) I'm thrilled for symptoms!

first milestone

I've been really hesitant to be overly excited about this pregnancy. I guess that is to be expected when your only other pregnancy in 3.5 years of trying ends in a loss.

Don't get me wrong, I'm thrilled, over the moon happy to be pregnant but until I got to today I knew it would be difficult. Today I'm 5 weeks 2 days pregnant and one day beyond the time I lost my last pregnancy in April.

Exhale.

So far everything has been great! My betas have risen nicely (105, 454, 1305) and I've have very minimal spotting. I wonder at what point in pregnancy I'll be able to give up examining the tp...

So first milestone has been reached! Hallelujah! I've also had some nausea, which when I noticed driving home from work on Tuesday, made me so happy! Lol. Second milestone will be Thursdays ultrasound! I can't wait :)

my beta is tomorrow

and I couldn't wait :) it's hpt official.

pupo! again ...

As of last Friday, I'm pregnant until proven otherwise, PUPO. We transferred two awesome blasts and were able to freeze 3 embryos! They were all AB quality blasts and one was expanding. That news was crazy! Especially since we had none last time.

I need to schedule my beta for Friday but I have a work conflict... But if I don't get it done then I'll have to wait until Monday :( so I need to figure it out. I'm 6dp5dt today and other than a wretched headache and a little dizziness I'm feeling fine. It's just hard to get excited ...

eight!

I was so excited to find out yesterday that of our 16 retrieved eggs, 11 were mature and 8 fertilized! I am SO happy with this number ... twice as many as our first IVF cycle.

Now I'm over the moon because the call today was more good news. All 8 embryos are still growing strong so we will be able to do a day 5 transfer.

Yay!

drum roll, please ....

We got 16 eggs today!!!!!!! 3 more than last time. So nervous about our fertilization report tomorrow but trying to stay positive.

16!

so uncomfortable!

This bloating is out of control! At least I know something is happening ...

Appointment today was okay. I had 8 follicles over 10mm, including 3 over 18mm, meaning technically I was ready to trigger. But my RE wanted me to stim for one more day to let a few others catch up. I am definitely ok with that! I don't feel like I have as many as last time :-/ E2 was a but high (3075) so I'm hoping that means I'm in a good range ... Fingers crossed I get the okay tomorrow to trigger.

That's about it ... Yawn. Both furbabies have FLEAS (gross!) and have been waking me up at night with their itching! What I wouldn't do for more than 3 hours straight of sleep.

Time for some dinner, a breaking bad and bed.

just like riding a bike

So far, IVF round 2 has been pretty much like round 1 ... I know what to expect and it's just a lot easier. Physically anyway. I've even started giving myself my own shots, which I never thought would happen (I'll save the trigger for DH though!).

There's not much to report. Today is day 9 of stims. My E2 has risen nicely just like last time (111, 256, 813) and we have just upped my meds slightly. My largest follicle was 13mm yesterday, so I'm thinking we will trigger Tuesday for a Thursday retrieval, but we'll see. As long as we avoid Saturday (that would be horrible as DH has a work commitment) we should be fine! I actually shortened my time on BCP to specifically avoid that day... Just hoping my body cooperates...

This cycle is out of pocket, though I'm thankful for financial assistance from my family and my RE! We definitely could not have afforded another cycle (my first was partially covered, but now I've exceeded my lifetime benefit for infertility... awesome). My RE's office was so incredibly generous and gave me 1200IUs of follistim, a bunch of menopur (probably 10 days worth) and some supplies. I was so happy I cried! I still have some gonal-f leftover so I should be totally covered with meds, just had to get the ganirelex and some of the pills and stuff. SO grateful!

I wasn't sure I ever wanted to do IVF again after the mess I went through after my first round ... Spotting ... Dropping betas ... Confirmed m/c .... Rising betas ... Suspected ectopic ... Mtx ... More rising betas! Ugh. Just thinking about my life in April/may of this year is exhausting.

I tried to think about my life if I were childless and it made me very depressed. The only thing that made me feel better was to wrap my mind around trying to maybe be hopeful that this would all work out ... It took me a while to get here, and while I can't say for sure exactly what I think or feel about this whole situation, I know this is the right next step.

I've already been through the worst ... So whatever this cycle brings, I can take it if it gets me closer to being a mom.

round 2

Here we go ...

quick update

After a week of crappy news, I was kind of happy to hear on Friday afternoon that the second dose of methotrexate 'worked' and my beta was down to 579. The "kind of" is because it totally screwed up my weekend plans for graduation by being cautious, but it is what it is. I am glad I did not have to get a third dose. I have a repeat draw tomorrow morning and I'll feel better if it's still going down ... I guess.

I do have to give a 'shout out' to my AWESOME and sweet nurse who felt SO bad about me canceling my graduation plans ... she got me flowers and a card signed by a few of the other nurses and staff. The card was so sweet. Though it was a graduation card, the front was entitled 'new beginnings' ... how appropriate ... :)

Sweetest gift from my RE nurse

Our therapist suggested trying to find ways to acknowledge the loss, but once the beta numbers started going up it messed with my head. But now that they're going back down (knock on wood), I want to deal, whatever that means. She mentioned a lot of things that made me want to vomit because I'm not overly sentimental and think a lot of memento-type things can be cheesy, but I appreciated the effort especially because she doesn't know us that well. The one thing we decided on is that we would find a box to put the photo of our two embryos in. We would also put a letter to them from each of us inside. Tonight I got the box and a heart shaped picture frame. We haven't written the letters yet, but it's a start. That will be hard. The box is kind of "Parisian" but it has the alphabet on it so it reminded me of something child-like, yet something I might have in my home. Of course, my cat wouldn't let me get a pic of the box alone ... silly cat.

In other news, I graduated last weekend with my master's degree! I now have a Master of Science in Health Communication. It was a long, hard two years but I'm very proud of myself. Thanks to my wonderful hubby for always supporting me, even though there were many times when he did not want to see me on my computer doing school work late at night! Here are a couple of photos from my faux ceremony at the ocean (embrace the awkwardness!).

In the spirit of positive news, my future sister-in-law asked me to design their wedding invites. I think they look perdy :) I enjoy doing small graphics projects, so I was happy she asked! They're getting married in late August.

While I'm happy to be finished with school, I'm realizing I have a chunk of time I haven't had for a while ... and I've already slipped into depressed states a few times. I'm come to the realization I won't be pregnant or have a baby anytime soon. My December due date is just a distant memory. I don't know that I want to do IVF again. We certainly can't afford it. Financial support from family has been offered but I'm not sure I'm comfortable with that ... sigh.

I'm trying to focus on what is positive ... but that is really, really hard. I've had a tough couple of weeks personally, professionally and with some family stuff which I won't get into but I'm just run down.

I feel like there is a world out there that I'm missing out on with all of this energy on TTC. Maybe a baby just isn't in the cards for me.

... okay, that wasn't so quick after all!

this.will.never.end.

It's been a few days since I've updated so I'll do a quick recap. My ultrasound showed nothing on Friday, which didn't mean anything one way or another, as in continued uncertainty. However, I got my beta back around noon which showed it had increased to around 550, so I had to go back to the RE in the afternoon to discuss the methotrexate.

Let me back up by saying that somehow I managed to pull myself together after my early appointment and gave a kick ass presentation at work! More on this another time, but I heard from many people they were impressed. After lunch, I headed back up to the RE with DH, who came home from work early to be with me.

Basically, we didn't have to do the mtx, but we decided it was the best option. If there was a "pregnancy" (quotes because I'm not pregnant with a baby, there is something, likely tissue or microscopic cells in my body multiplying and producing HCG) it is definitely not viable, so the best thing to do is rid my body of it. We thought it was doing it naturally, but turns out it didn't quite finish.

We could have waited it out, but since nothing has ever been seen on an ultrasound, they don't know where the "pregnancy" is ... could be in the uterus, could be in my tubes. Treating it (ridding it) now, increases the changes that my body will respond before it does damage to my precious tubes. So, two shots in the rear later, and we were outta there.

I didn't feel too many side effects ... fatigue and a teeny bit of cramping, but nothing that screamed "hey, this is working!"

And, alas, I was right... beta today was in the 800s!!! I couldn't believe it.

So, back up I went. I was pretty upset, got the news at a lunch meeting at the Olive Garden, was holding the phone under the table trying to be discreet. Fun times.

This weekend is my graduation for my master's and my RE and nurse know this. So, they gave me several scenarios to try to help me get up there (of course we had planned to fly Friday) that would be safe, given that my next appt. isn't until Friday morning.

1. Do an earlier appt: bloodwork and ultrasound Thursday. Pros: if beta dropped and nothing on u/s, it would be a good sign that the meds are working. Cons: if beta hadn't dropped 15% I would still need to go back as scheduled on Friday. So, not a great chance of an earlier answer.

2. Schedule my Friday appt in Rockville (main clinic) Friday. Pros: I would get the bloodwork results earlier (10 a.m.-ish) since the lab is onsite and could be given the mtx there, if needed. Cons: Stress waiting until the very last minute (we're talking 45 minutes to the airport for a 12:30 flight).

3. D&C tomorrow. This option was only suggested because of the Boston trip. It would not have been recommended normally, but my doctor was just trying to think of ways to help. Like I said, they don't know where the "pregnancy" is, so it's a 50/50 chance that the D&C would rid me of the "pregnancy" (Pro). If it wasn't in there, we would know it was in my tubes (Also a Pro I guess). Con: Doing a surgery for potentially no medically indicated reason. And, would I really want to get on a plane on Friday if we did a D&C on Wednesday?

4. Continue on with standard protocol as planned: u/s and bloodwork on Friday. Pros: No stressful running around on Friday and no medically unnecessary (at this point in time anyway) procedures. Cons: For sure cancelling Boston.

I went with #4. I can't be any more stressed than I already am. While I'm bummed to miss my graduation, I want to do what is the safest thing for me and my reproductive health. I may end up having surgery next week, either a D&C or on my tubes ... but for now, we're going to sit on it and see what Friday brings.

I'm bummed, pissed, upset, yeah. But it's the cards I've been dealt so I'm rolling with the punches as best I can. Had a great talk with my RE and nurse today and even shared a few laughs together. What can ya do?

Like my Momma always said (miss you and love you) when she was going through cancer treatments ... you gotta have a few laughs.

She couldn't have been more right.

i'm not okay.

My beta is going up.

No, this isn't good. At the rate it was decreasing, it should have been pretty darn close to 0 this week, but instead I got a voicemail from my nurse today saying I needed to call her to discuss my bloodwork from this morning. She only leaves good news on my voicemail, so I knew something was up. Well, I called and she was clearly concerned because she said she hated to deliver news like this but my beta was up.

Well, okay, how up?

In the 400s, sweetie.

Awesome.

So, actually, it's the exact opposite of awesome. It could likely mean an ectopic pregnancy, or a pregnancy outside of the uterus. So, in the tubes, for example. Or a blighted ovum, so an empty sac. Or random fragments of tissue floating around in my body making a mockery of this whole fucking thing.

Tomorrow I bumped whoever had the earliest appointment and I'll be going in for ultrasound and bloodwork. I don't know what they are looking for in order to 'see' if it's ectopic, but I was told that I'll have my appointment, leave, wait for a call about the bloodwork results and if they both indicate EP then I'll have to go back to get a shot to essentially terminate the pregnancy since apparently my body is not doing what it's supposed to. Or trying to hold on to something that isn't there. Or ... something.

AHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!! I was totally blindsided by this. I'm so freaked out. There is no happy ending here. It's either ectopic or a blighted ovum or something inexplicable. In any scenario it means a scary drug or surgery and quite possibly a long ass break from trying to have a baby.

And, of course, since shit loves to dump on me all at once, tomorrow I am giving basically the biggest presentation of my life to some big wigs at work and I'm going to have this in the back of my mind. So I'll go to my appointment, give my 2 hour presentation, then wait for the call. FUN!

So. Not. Okay.

... well, time for another fun update

I used to think the numbers game was fun, but now it's just ... a number. Beta Tuesday was something like 126. I honestly can't remember. My reaction was, "oh, ok!" when my nurse called (after we discussed that I would not be picking up the phone and to just leave me a voice mail). So I'm not sure if she was more surprised at my awkward enthusiasm or my picking up the phone but I definitely caught her off guard. I mean, I guess that's good, right? My body's not trying to hang on to this thing that didn't work out ... thing isn't the greatest word for a pregnancy, but I'm thinking that since I'm technically not pregnant anymore I can just call whatever is going on a thing and that's just fine.

So ... my body is ridding myself of this thing in a rather annoyingly appropriate way. I'll schedule another fun early morning poke for next week and see how much less pregnant I am then.

In positive news ... I'm taking a break from writing my LAST PAPER FOR GRAD SCHOOL! I am so excited! In 25 hours and 18 minutes I will have most definitely hit "Submit" and I'll be super close to officially being a master! Two years of a lot of work, I mean a LOT! In that time, a lot has changed in my life as well, so I'm very proud of myself for getting through it all. Well, don't want to speak to soon, I still have a few pages to write :-)

Oh and I almost forgot, I have my computer back again! It was sick, so I took it to the Apple store, finally, last weekend. Happy to report it seems to be much, much better! It's four years old, so I'm not sure how long it has left, but it's been good to me. I've been very frustrated typing on my iPhone for weeks! K... back to work. Ciao!

another beta

Yesterday was supposed to be my ultrasound. Today, I'm going in for beta #4 to see how much it's dropped. Since I enjoy inflicting pain on myself, I tool an hpt over the weekend and it was still + .... So while it's dropping fast I'm guessing it's not done dropping yet.

In short, this sucks.

numbness has set in

It's so weird to think that in a matter of days I went from ecstatically pregnant to devastatingly not. I don't even remember being that excited about it, actually, because I was so nervous this was going to happen. I didn't want to tell anyone beyond my dad, mother in law and my BBC friends because of this. This is why people don't go shouting from the rooftops when they get a +hpt at home. Because so much can happen in a few weeks, days, hours.

I've never experienced a loss before. I had no idea what to expect. I knew we were losing the baby on Sunday when I was sitting in the ER waiting for test results. Did I want to hear that maybe it was too early to see anything on the ultrasound? Of course. Did I want to hear that my very strong beta was a good sign? Absolutely. Did I know that none of it mattered because I was probably miscarrying right there on the table? Yup.

One of the worst parts of all of this is the DH is taking it so hard. He was so excited about this pregnancy. I was, too, of course, but seeing him excited about this was a feeling like no other. Now, to see him so hurt, is unbearable.

I know I want to have a family but I'm not sure at what point to say enough is enough. I know we aren't there yet and I hope that when that time comes (and I hope it never does) I will know and be at peace with it. As we wait for my beta to drop, I'm sure we'll need to take a break. We have so many questions for our doctor.

... why did only 4 of our eggs fertilize?
... should we do genetic testing?
... will we do a more aggressive protocol in the future?
... do we have an egg quality issue?
... do success rates for fresh cycles decline with every try?

My nurse has been so sweet. She told me yesterday she never thought she'd have to make the call that my beta had dropped significantly. Said she thought I'd be a 'one and done' patient.

I will not give up. But I am having a really, really, really hard time. IVF is so expensive. How can we ever afford it again? (This is why I was so upset the day we learned we had no embryos make it to freeze ...)

I'm having doubts about my faith in this process. Faith in myself and my body. Faith that I will know when we should try this crazy roller coaster again. Then I have thoughts that I'd rather not have, like ...

Does this mean it 'isn't meant to be'? ...
Maybe I would be a bad mom anyway ...
I'm not supposed to be happy ...
I'm being punished for something ...


But I know I have to push those thoughts away in order to let the teeny, tiny little bit of hope I know is still inside of me creep in. Just not sure I'm ready yet. For now, I'm bitter stefanel.

sucks to be right

After an ER visit, 2 betas and 2 ultrasounds in under 12 hours, my worst fear was confirmed. I miscarried.

No one needs to know the details but I was in a lot of pain yesterday and knew something was wrong. It is beyond upsetting and devastating and sad and unfair. I know we'll get through it but for right now it just totally sucks.

That's all I can think of to say ...

doubts

I hate not knowing what is going on inside of me. I've been spotting/bleeding for over a week now yet I'm still supposed to think it's just an irritated cervix. Well, today I have had more intense cramping and the most red blood I've seen yet. I called the emergency line for my RE and the nurse on call said to stay positive, my betas are good and there isn't any reason to worry. How is bleeding not a cause for concern? I don't know if I can go through 9 more days of this. I just want to know.

more good news

When you've tried to get pregnant for more cycles than you can possibly count (we're talking a few years here) you get pretty used to bad news and disappointment. I've been spotting now for a week, so while my beta was great from Tuesday, I was pretty anxious about what it would be Thursday.

What they are looking for, is for the HCG level in my blood to increase at a certain rate in two days. Doubling is preferred but it's not necessarily bad if it's not quite doubling either. I know plenty of people whose doubling rate was more than 48 hours and they now have healthy, beautiful babies. But, when I got the call yesterday, I was very excited to hear that my HCG was ...

1172!

That's a doubling rate of 39.53 hours, which is fabulous! :)

Of course, now the question is ... How many are there? One or two?

There is really no way to know until the first ultrasound, which I've scheduled for Monday the 30th. So soon! We can speculate but the truth is, it could be a singleton growing at a furious pace ... Or, it could be twins. I have a third and final beta this coming Monday and then another week to spend wondering.

Right now, I really don't know! I'm thinking twins ... Maybe. I'm just so so so happy to have 2 great betas behind me! I'm excited to maybe, finally, really actually be pregnant!

my new favorite number is ...

505!

My beta today at 17dpo/12dp5dt :) I'm officially pregnant!

Wow!!

beta day!

Blood is drawn... just a few hours a way from what I hope will be a beautiful beta #!

the nerves are getting to me

I'm anxious to begin with, but this wait is driving me insane! I called my nurse Friday to see if maybe I could come in fir a blood draw earlier ... nope! I'm already coming in a day early so no luck there.

Also have had a few scares this weekend, starting on Friday afternoon. Went to the bathroom to take my mid-day progesterone and I saw pink on the tp. A lot of pink.

Now, I should know better than to over think this. Plenty of women spot early in pregnancy and go on to have healthy babies! I've also had cramping. Well, I'm hoping there is a baby (or babies!) growing in there so some readjusting of space is bound to happen. I'm also on vaginal progesterone, not pleasant for so many reasons, including that it can irritate your cervix. I get all of these possibilities. I even dismissed the pink yesterday when I saw it again, since I had already rationalized with myself that it was fine.

Then came today. Went to the store, cooked breakfast, did a few things around the house, then went to the bathroom around noon and couldn't believe what I was seeing.

Red.

No. No, no, no. Red is bad. Everyone says pink or brown is okay but not red. Red is the scary color. It wasn't a lot of red, but just enough to throw me into full on freak out mode.

I want this/these babies so much. I don't want them to leave me. This is going to be another long week.

the wait!

I finally scheduled my beta for Tuesday, the 17th at 7:15 a.m. My clinic actually wanted me to wait until Wednesday ... so far away! But, my nurse doesn't work on Wednesdays and I really don't want another nurse telling me the news ... plus, I want to know!

It's been a tough week. But we have almost gotten through it. I've been very tired all week, stomach is doing some weird things, boobs are sore, some cramping (normal). But, I know symptoms don't mean much since I'm on progesterone supplements.

I will say that I have tested. But I'm not going to take anything I see or don't see on a pee stick to be true until I get my blood test.

In four days.

long time, no blog

It's been a few days since I've had the energy to get on here. I was SO excited about my transfer, I figured I'd want to blurt out every detail to the world as soon as I got home. I essentially had 4 days off with nothing planned but rest and relaxation so I should have had plenty of time to update.

In short, I did not have a great experience with my transfer but I don't want to rehash it or get into it on here because it is too personal. I expected a certain standard of care/treatment and unfortunately, left the clinic feeling that my expectations were not met. It mainly had to do with our decision to transfer two embryos versus our clinic's strong recommendation to only transfer one.

Anyway, I had some cramping, twinges, etc. this weekend but nothing that took my breath away. I don't feel any different. I don't feel pregnant. I'm tired, moody and feeling pretty hopeless ... all the things I feel before the end of another failed cycle. I wonder how many we've been through now... stopped counting a while ago.

I am not hopeless though, or at least I don't want to be. I shouldn't! We transferred two BEAUTIFUL blastocysts on Thursday and I am SO happy with our decision to transfer both. One of our big fears was that with our small number of fertilized embryos (four), it would be statistically unlikely that any would make it to freeze. So, we decided to give the two best ones the best chance of life ... in me.

This morning I got a call from my wonderful nurse. I let it go to voicemail, thankfully, because it was the saddest voicemail I ever had to hear. She was telling me that the remaining two embryos, unfortunately, did not make it to freeze. One was a blastocyst; the other didn't quite get to blast and lacked some inner cell mass (ICM) -- the important part that creates the baby. While I had told myself that this was a very likely scenario, I was still so, so upset. I cried at my desk at work, I couldn't help it. It's not the same as a death. I didn't miscarry. I didn't lose someone I loved. But I lost hope. This means that if this cycle is unsuccessful, we have to start all over. We have nothing waiting for us. It also means that if this does work, in a few years from now if we'd like another child, we'll either need to consider starting this again (which I do not think I will want to do) or possibly adopting. I'm obviously more concerned with the first scenario.

So, the loss of our embryos was extremely emotional for both DH and me. I'm hoping we get good news in a few days and today's news will be less of a blow. While finding out that we only had four embryos was hard to hear, finding out today we have none left was the worst news I've gotten thus far in this long infertility journey. I always thought our fertility issues would be overcome if we moved on to IVF ... but apparently they're just as bad even with the best science and technology.

Today, I'll be sad. It sucks. The future is again, unknown.

a lucky sock kinda day :)

I appreciate all the good vibes and juju from near and far! Transfer day is finally here!

transfer eve!

eeeeeeek!

Tomorrow is transfer day! So many emotions ... I've been so busy it's been hard to focus on them but I am so excited and hopeful. I know that there is nothing more we can do ... whatever will be, will be. I'm taking it easy for a few days after transfer, and then plan to find plenty to do to help make it through until my beta ... in two (long) weeks!

Our future babies are growing strong and I can't wait to meet them tomorrow! It's just so amazing that we were able to create life despite our fertility challenges. While I'm optimistic, I'm also realistic. But for now I'm going to try to just think positively and not dwell too much on the numbers.

In just a few hours, I'll be PUPO!
*pregnant until proven otherwise :)

we have growth!

I was a little hung up on the numbers Sunday when I found out that we only had four embryos. I called my nurse a little upset Monday and she called back with wonderful news. What we didn't have in quantity we certainly had in quality!

On Monday, 3 embryos were 4-cell and 1 was 2-cell. Plus, according to my nurse, they were 'beautiful' ... they looked great and had no fragmentation. That definitely lifted my spirits. However, I was still a tad concerned ... Would they make it to day 5?

I didn't get a call as early today as I had hoped but around 2:30 I heard from my nurse ... and we still have 4 perfect embabies! Words I love to hear! 2 are 7-cell and 2 are 8-cell :) :) Eeeeek! This is fantastic news! She said that I won't be getting a call tomorrow because they are doing so well. After they reach 8 cells, they can't count anymore since they start getting more complex (she said they start looking like a cluster of grapes).

So... transfer is scheduled for Thursday at 9:30am. We will decide that day how many we will transfer ... standard is 1 but we are leaning toward 2 ... But thats not 100% decided yet.

No eating restrictions this time but I will need a full bladder. Then it's bedrest for 24ish hours ... and, 2 weeks of waiting.

My Dad was really cute today when I texted him the growth update. His response was 'YEAH!!!!!!!!!' aww, he's so excited :)

In other news, DH is still pretty sick so MIL is here helping out the both of us. He's having some tests run and I'm hoping it's nothing too serious ... fingers crossed.

This whole process has been so emotional but most of all just incredible. Science is amazing I can't wait to see our embryos in 36 hours and welcome them to their new home!! :)

the call ...

I was expecting a call from the embryologist between noon and 3 today, so when the phone rang at 9:30 my heart stopped.

"Out of the 13 eggs retrieved, 10 were mature," she said. Okay, that sounded good. She continued, "Out of those 10, 4 are now 2-cell embryos."

I took a deep breath and asked her to clarify that only 4 of my eggs had fertilized, to which she responded, "Yes. We hope for 50% to fertilize so 4 is not far from that." I thanked her and hung up.

13...to 10...to 4. Needless to say, I'm sad and bummed. Sad. Depressed. She also didn't confirm a transfer date so we will have to wait to find out tomorrow how they are doing. I was so happy yesterday (minus the pain), and now I feel like there is no way this will work. I'm sure there are stories like this that have turned out positive but I'm not at a place where I can believe this will.

Four ... this means we will probably transfer 2 embryos on either day, since the odds of a lower quality embryo surviving the freeze and thaw process isn't great.

I want to think these embabies are strong and will grow. I want a happy ending. I did everything right ... all I want is my baby :-/

lucky number ....

13!

No, I'm not the winner of the megamillions jackpot (but that would be quite nice!) .... however, that IS the number of eggs we retrieved this morning! So happy! We were hoping between 10-15 so that number to me is perfect. I was on a fairly conservative protocol so that number is very appropriate. Yay!

The procedure itself was very quick. I arrived at 7:30 this morning and got taken back to my bed where I was to change into my snazzy pink hospital gownie and read over paperwork, consents, etc. One of the nurses started and IV and I was so pleased that he found a good vein in my hand and the stick didn't even hurt! I am a hard one to stick so I thanked him profusely!

I got IV fluids for about an hour. They were actually running a bit ahead -- good for me because I felt as though my follicles would burst at any second! I met the doctor who would be doing the retrieval and instantly liked her. She said she had reviewed all of my doctor's notes and let me know that because if my interestingly shaped cervix, they would be placing a stitch on it to assist with the actual transfer (not sure of anything more than that, but if it will help next week, I'm on board!). At around 8:45 I emptied my bladder, kissed the hubs and marched with my IV pole into the operating room. Laid down put my feet in the stirrups, confirmed my identity, the mask went on and that's about all I remember!

I woke up around 9:20 (so fast!) with quite a bit of discomfort. Apparently as I was just coming to, I told my nurse that I didn't want morphine. Ha! Don't remember that at all. Not that I didn't want pain meds, because I did need them. When I had my gallbladder out emergently last fall, one of the hospitals I was in kept giving me morphine, despite my pleas that it was going everywhere in my body except my painfully infected gallbladder! Luckily, it helped today. I asked for more meds than what was prescribed because I could hardly sit up and we had an hour or so car ride ahead of us. I'm glad I spoke up because it helped very much, along with the heating pads they gave us. We left just before 11.

Since I hadn't eaten or drank anything I was starving! I called in some Panera soup which we picked up on the way home. I settled in upstairs where I enjoyed every bite in bed before taking a much needed snooze :)

Next step is to hear from the embryologist tomorrow sometime between noon and 3pm. They'll let us know how many eggs fertilized and whether we will be having a 3- or 5-day transfer. We are hoping for 5, as I mentioned earlier.

Thanks to all of my friends and family for your support! This has been an exciting and emotional journey that is far from over (I hope!). Trying not to get overly optimistic ... but the hubby and I did talk a bit about potential baby names today ;)

Special thanks to a super sweet friend who sent me a care package that was waiting on my doorstep when I got home :) it made me smile, especially the lucky acorn socks, which I plan to show off at the transfer! <3

MIL decided to come spend the night which was nice of her. The hubs hasn't been feeling well the past few weeks ... high bp and migraines. No fun :( she's a former nurse so I'm happy she's here for the both of us.

Back to resting ... will check back tomorrow. I'm not going to make any guesses, but I'm hoping that greater than 50% of our eggies fertilize ... based on my research, this is an appropriate number to expect, since not all eggs extracted are necessarily mature, among other things ... we'll see :)

retrieval day!

On our way to the clinic for our egg retrieval! Can't wait until it's over and we find out how many eggs we have :) will update later!

trigger

... wasn't even that bad! Injections done!

Eeeeek

Warp speed. Warp. SPEED. Oh my goodness has this week flown by. Aside from a minor meltdown on Wednesday everything has gone absolutely 'perfect' according to my RE. I have a great number of mature and almost mature follicles, estrogen is rising nicely (343, 900, 1180, 1957 this week) so I got the green light to trigger tonight!!! This is the one shot I have been dreading since it's intramuscular (short in the butt/love handle area) but it's my last shot. My tummy is thanking me!

Our egg retrieval is scheduled for 9 am on Saturday. We are going to stay in a hotel tomorrow night so the morning is stress free. Ahhh I just can't believe it's here! I was only on stims for 10 days, which is great. The weekend retrieval means no time off work this week. I don't have a ton of time built up so that is a big plus for me. We are planning on a 5-day blastocyst transfer next Thursday with a bedrest day after which means I get a long weekend to relax! So, so happy about this.

Oh and the irony ... I'm taking my last class to finish my masters. On Monday, I'll be facilitating a discussion (20% of my grade!) on the ethical implications of cross border reproductive services ... so the ethics of poor women donating eggs/their body (surrogacy) for money, the same for men and sperm donation, to citizens of higher income countries ... among many other issues related to this topic, like, do they have a choice, what are the long term implications to the health of these people, is this right, etc. It shouldn't turn into a personal debate but I may have a have a hard time keeping quiet if people are ignorant. Its just very interesting the timing of it all.

Anyway, I am pretty sure we are going to do a single embryo transfer unless we do a 3-day, in which case my doctor recommends transferring two. I feel pretty sure about this, but not 100%. Not that I don't feel this is the right choice, because I do, but that I want to be able to look back on this decision when we know the outcome and not think going the other way would have changed it. Because there is no way to know. My body has done just about all it can do, but come Saturday, it's out of my hands and I accept that.

That's all I've got for now. Three hours to stress about my butt shot. :)

On our way!

Things are moving at warp speed right now which is great for my impatient self! Last Friday we got the okay to start stims (shots!) Monday night. I was so excited I didn't want to wait!

So far the shots have been pretty painless. I've been icing my stomach for a few minutes beforehand and that seems to help. We've made our guest bathroom into our pharmacy. I have an alarm on my phone that goes off at 8:45 every evening to remind me that it's injection time. So far so good.

Thursday was my first monitoring appointment, IVF cycle day 4. My lining was good and I had 7 follicles on the right and 6 on the left. I left feeling okay but thought I needed some more. My nurse Chris called in the afternoon to say that my estrogen was a little low and that I should increase my Gonal-f dose to 225IU (up from 150).

I had my second monitoring appointment this morning in the Annandale office. I was thinking some growth had occurred but was very surprised to hear that I now had 21 follicles! Whoa! 13 on the right and 8 on the left. Eeeeek! I will get my bloodwork results in a few hours and I'll find out what my doseage for the next two days will be.

I'm starting to feel my right ovary a bit, I'm sure of it. I felt it last night even before I knew what was going in in there. Of course, overstimming is bad so we will wait to hear what the nurse says later.

But for now, I'm super happy!!!

big week!

I had intended to update Monday ... but that didn't happen, so today will have to do :)

Monday was my "mock transfer" -- essentially, a trial run for the day of the transfer to make sure everything goes smoothly. Well, I'm hoping the real thing is nothing like the dry run because it was certainly not smooth sailing. This is an "in the stirrups" procedure that should take just a few minutes ... never fun to be so exposed but it's all for a good cause, right? I'll keep it short, my doctor had to use two different speculums and two catheters to find "the right fit" ... apparently I have a sharp angle to my cervix, making it difficult to navigate. Fantastic. Can't help but wonder if that has been a factor in our inability to get pregnant all these years, but that doesn't really matter now...

So, my doctor puts all this information in the computer so (fingers crossed) on the day of the actual transfer it will be smooth sailing and our embryo(s?) can find it's new home safely :)

Today was IVF injection class. A class to learn all about how much you and your partner REALLY want to do this. I mean, it was us and three other infertile couples in a little room with a bunch of needles and fake body parts for sticking purposes ... DH and I were definitely the giggliest of the bunch, but others were pretty good spirited as well. The nurse went a little fast through everything but I think we'll be fine ... plus, the good ol' Internet has plenty of how-to videos to help us out.

Now, just for kicks, I'd like to rant about some medication/money drama. It just seems that nothing has gone smoothly ... I know I'm not the only patient my doctor's office deals with, my insurance is complicated, and I have a small medical loan ... but it still frustrates me to no end when I feel as though I am the one coordinating my care and that the communication amongst all parties is not that great. To make a long story short, my medication was never supposed to be called in through my insurance, or rather, filled through my insurance, but it was. A loan was supposed to cover it. Because my insurance has a lifetime max of $10,000 to use for infertility, the meds, whatever the actual cost of them were (which of course I don't know yet but I paid about $300) will be deducted from that maximum. So I'm a bit pissed because that means that the IVF procedure itself might end up costing us more in the long run.

However, my loan company has been really great about it and will waive all the fees and everything for me to apply what would have been my medication loan to another treatment loan. So I have that on my side.

My meds. After injection class, DH and I went through all the meds, and realized we only were sent 1/3 of the menopur, and a different version of gonal-f than what we used in class. Luckily, the gonal-f pen is much easier than mixing the meds ourselves and the pharmacy acknowledged the oversight and will be sending the right meds tomorrow. Finally, my luprolide trigger shot was on backorder from my original pharmacy, my insurance wouldn't cover it from the second one but I just received an automated call from Walgreens specialty pharmacy that I will be receiving it tomorrow. YAY! None of the needles look bad except for the trigger ... so glad it's just ONE!

Also, and I should have realized this, but my RE will likely not be doing my retrieval or my transfer ... our office is a satellite of the main office in Rockville, MD. DH was concerned that the information from the mock wouldn't translate (sweet of him) but I told him not to worry, even if my doctor was doing it, he probably will have a lot of patient's cervixes to look at between now and then and wouldn't remember mine anyway, hence the notes!

So I did get some good tips today:

• Mix up the refrigerated meds up 10-15 minutes ahead of time so they are ready to go on the hour (we're going to aim for 8 p.m. every night)
• Ice the injection site for 3-4 minutes beforehand
  
• Either lie down or sit on the toilet (for our trigger last time I just stood ... so, not sure what is best!)
• The trigger is in the butt (ouch!), the rest in the tummy ... recommended lying flat on a bed/couch or standing at an angle over a chair ... not sure about that one either ... but if I stand, toes should point together so the muscles relax, haha

I called my RE office when I got home and left a message about the med discrepancy. I got a call back saying it was fine, the pen was actually easier. I also asked about my dose, and they said what I had been given at the class was not correct, that they base the doseage on the physician's dictation, that I was on 75IU of menopur and 150IU of gonal-f, not 150 for both. Sigh ... that's fine, I just don't like all of these little things that keep happening ...

I don't really believe in signs, and I certainly am not trying to make all of this little stuff bigger than it is, but I just really, really, really, want Friday's ultrasound to go well. That would mean stims could start as early as Sunday!

If you got through this post, congrats! I'm trying hard to get excited, and I am. I think.

frustration

... was the word of the day. That's all I can muster up tonight. Been sick all week and I'm exhausted. I wish this could be easier.

daydreaming

... this can be a dangerous thing for me. daydreaming about babies, of course. it's fun to look at stuff to make their nursery special and sometimes i can't help myself! usually i just favorite stuff on etsy and pin on pinterest, but i thought i'd start to share what kind of styles/themes i really like.

i have always had a thing for dandelions. they are something i would make a wish on as a child. i'm sure i wasn't wishing for a baby then, but i just have a special love for them. some call them weeds ... i call them beautiful! i particularly LOVE this wall decal from Paris Decals's etsy shop. This is definitely going on my baby's room ... girl or boy!

wall color is a little dark for a nursery, so i would go with a soft gray/ice blue. i want the room to be bright yet calming and not overly colorful or dark. dandelions ... i love them in the whimsical stage where you can blow on them and watch all their little seed heads fly off into the air.



*sigh* but i also love them when they are yellow! i don't know why. i've always really liked yellow, and i especially love yellow and gray together. too dull for a baby's room? i think not! this is a scene again from Paris Decals. i like the dark wood (black?) crib but would look for a cooler wall color. but i LOVE the yellow accents! i think it would be fine for a girl and a boy even, with some more "boy-ish" collor accents elsewhere in the room.



plus, i plan to accessorize with my signature greens and blues that i have all over my house :) like with these ADORABLE kimono style baby booties from bubbleshandmade's shop! and this cute cute cute onesie from ellembee :) (girl, of course)




And to prove (mostly to myself) that these can be boyish too, check out the cutest shower invite ever from camrynjolee!








Okay, before I go out on the deep-end, I stopping these shenanigans! I just needed to get a little excited ... about something.

Happy week 2 of BCP to me! Next week the real fun begins. Ciao for now!

The time has arrived...

It's finally time to start IVF! Wow. I must admit, there are many emotions going through my head right now. So many thoughts of hope and doubt... and excitement and worry. How can I NOT worry?

I freaked myself out pretty good on Friday night. I was not feeling great, was alone just sitting on the couch, when I started feeling something really beating in my chest. It wasn't as regular as a heartbeat and was stronger. It felt like it was coming from my sternum / lung area. I tracked it for a while, but eventually chalked it up to stress/anxiety.

Even though I can't be sure that's what happened, it was certainly a wakeup call. I am aware now how my anxiety can get the best of me. So I'm going to try to take this process step by step and not look *too* far into the future.

Time, for now, to just coast ...

(impatiently) waiting

So much to look forward to. So many plans. So many What ifs ... And, what if nots. I've been waiting for my baby for so long, a few more weeks shouldn't be that bad, right?

Wrong!

Since we decided to move forward with IVF, I figured it would take a lot of time to get everything in order... Schedules, meds, money etc were the most important. Well, turns out this is going to actually be less of a hassle timewise than our IUI cycle.

So, I am forced to do something I am terrible at. Wait! I called my wonderful nurse Friday just to see if there was anything I could/should be doing. Nope! Nothing. Nothing at all.

I shouldn't complain. I have a full plate with work and school and some personal stuff. Kitty just got spayed this week. Broke my heart, but she's doing great and Layla pup is taking great care of her :)

Also, hubby and I decided to take an impromptu trip to the beach. It may be rainy (still hoping for a few snowflakes!) and cold but it's lovely to just stare at the ocean and think about how our lives are about to change.

While the thoughts of this process are definitely consuming, I'm so happy to have a great group of friends that are so supportive to turn to. I am so so lucky to have found them through BBC.

I remember a few times in Florence when I'd get homesick. But I'd quickly stop myself and say, 'look around, look at this place' ... So even though I've not reached that 'place' in my journey yet, I've begun looking for it in different ways. And, perhaps more importantly, begun to believe that we'll get there.

... approved!

Yay, our loan was officially approved! Passing papers Monday and then we'll have everything in place for next cycle. In a few weeks, I'll start BCP then start on tons of meds. Still lots of waiting ahead but I'm excited that this weight is now lifted.

Now, to do something productive today ...

the money post.

Guess what? Dealing with infertility ain't cheap. If you exhaust all of the low-tech methods and move onto IVF, we're talking the cost of a car, 4 MacBook Pros, or a decent french horn. The cost of a child for the reproductively challenged is seriously freakin expensive.

But, what's money? Money is something we earn in order to afford things we want to enjoy in life. And there is nothing more I can think of that I want more than a child.

I'm trying to be better about money this year. My Italian self had an allowance of 75 euros/week for food and it was amazing what a little budgeting could do ... and what it would leave you leftover with at the end of the week. I scored 1euro gelato to splurge on Oil Shoppe sandwiches later. Or a quick trip to the beach. Or a few more minutes at the Internet cafe (wow I wish I remembered what that place was called ... it definitely had the word "chat" in the name and was definitely sketchy).

So when I think about the up front payment for IVF, it's definitely scary, and it's definitely everything we have. Which is why we decided to apply for a small loan. Facing the cost of pregnancy, childbirth, preparing for baby and then providing for that child for at least 18 years, we don't want to go into it underground. We think it's the smart decision so we have a little cushion on hand for the unexpected.

So, I just clicked "send" on all of our pre-approval paperwork. We should know for sure in the next few days where we stand and then it will all become more real.

Wow, I am terrible at blogging.

If blogging were my job, I'd surely be unemployed.

Lucky for me, it's not. It's a new year and I have a whole new outlook!

Last year was very tough for me. Every month that went by with no baby to show for it, I got more and more depressed. I survived the one year anniversary of my Mom passing away, celebrated my 2 year anniversary of being married, and at year's end, we found ourselves somewhere between 2 and 3 years of trying to conceive.

After our failed IUI in July (on our anniversary), we decided to take a much needed break from meds and doctors. Well, I did anyway. David saw a urologist, who checked for any physical or chemical reasons for his low counts and found nada. Which was good, and somewhat disappointing. During this journey, I've constantly been waiting for something to "fix" so we can be normal and have a baby the old fashioned way. But of course, it's not quite that simple.

We met with Dr. Khan a week or so ago to talk about IVF. It's not something I was thrilled about, but I wanted to be educated if this was in fact our next step, and so did David, so we went. We asked a lot of questions, well David did most of the asking, actually, since I've learned a lot from my BBC friends. It's a huge undertaking: physically, mentally and of course, financially. But with our situation, it's our best chance of having a family. Our chances with IUI were basically the same as naturally, about 10% (but even less with our issues), and with IVF, their success rates are about 57%.

I'm 27, David is almost 29. Some people may wonder why we are doing IVF now. We know we are "young" (not THAT young) and have at least a few good reproductive years ahead of us. But we're not the average couple. We have medical issues that prevent us from being able to conceive naturally. I'm so thankful that there is technology and science available that will be able to bring us the baby that we want SO badly.

And as my very wise friend Sabrina said, we can make money in the future ... in the future we can't just go get a child.

So, we have taken steps toward IVF, starting in March! We're so, so, so, so excited. Right now we're getting our finances in order and making sure my insurance company pre-authorizes everything. I'm lucky that I do have some infertility coverage, but it will still cost us quite a bit out of pocket. But to us, it is beyond worth it.