Showing posts with label IVF. Show all posts
Showing posts with label IVF. Show all posts
Thursday, October 11, 2012
Monday, April 9, 2012
long time, no blog
It's been a few days since I've had the energy to get on here. I was SO excited about my transfer, I figured I'd want to blurt out every detail to the world as soon as I got home. I essentially had 4 days off with nothing planned but rest and relaxation so I should have had plenty of time to update.
In short, I did not have a great experience with my transfer but I don't want to rehash it or get into it on here because it is too personal. I expected a certain standard of care/treatment and unfortunately, left the clinic feeling that my expectations were not met. It mainly had to do with our decision to transfer two embryos versus our clinic's strong recommendation to only transfer one.
Anyway, I had some cramping, twinges, etc. this weekend but nothing that took my breath away. I don't feel any different. I don't feel pregnant. I'm tired, moody and feeling pretty hopeless ... all the things I feel before the end of another failed cycle. I wonder how many we've been through now... stopped counting a while ago.
I am not hopeless though, or at least I don't want to be. I shouldn't! We transferred two BEAUTIFUL blastocysts on Thursday and I am SO happy with our decision to transfer both. One of our big fears was that with our small number of fertilized embryos (four), it would be statistically unlikely that any would make it to freeze. So, we decided to give the two best ones the best chance of life ... in me.
This morning I got a call from my wonderful nurse. I let it go to voicemail, thankfully, because it was the saddest voicemail I ever had to hear. She was telling me that the remaining two embryos, unfortunately, did not make it to freeze. One was a blastocyst; the other didn't quite get to blast and lacked some inner cell mass (ICM) -- the important part that creates the baby. While I had told myself that this was a very likely scenario, I was still so, so upset. I cried at my desk at work, I couldn't help it. It's not the same as a death. I didn't miscarry. I didn't lose someone I loved. But I lost hope. This means that if this cycle is unsuccessful, we have to start all over. We have nothing waiting for us. It also means that if this does work, in a few years from now if we'd like another child, we'll either need to consider starting this again (which I do not think I will want to do) or possibly adopting. I'm obviously more concerned with the first scenario.
So, the loss of our embryos was extremely emotional for both DH and me. I'm hoping we get good news in a few days and today's news will be less of a blow. While finding out that we only had four embryos was hard to hear, finding out today we have none left was the worst news I've gotten thus far in this long infertility journey. I always thought our fertility issues would be overcome if we moved on to IVF ... but apparently they're just as bad even with the best science and technology.
Today, I'll be sad. It sucks. The future is again, unknown.
In short, I did not have a great experience with my transfer but I don't want to rehash it or get into it on here because it is too personal. I expected a certain standard of care/treatment and unfortunately, left the clinic feeling that my expectations were not met. It mainly had to do with our decision to transfer two embryos versus our clinic's strong recommendation to only transfer one.
Anyway, I had some cramping, twinges, etc. this weekend but nothing that took my breath away. I don't feel any different. I don't feel pregnant. I'm tired, moody and feeling pretty hopeless ... all the things I feel before the end of another failed cycle. I wonder how many we've been through now... stopped counting a while ago.
I am not hopeless though, or at least I don't want to be. I shouldn't! We transferred two BEAUTIFUL blastocysts on Thursday and I am SO happy with our decision to transfer both. One of our big fears was that with our small number of fertilized embryos (four), it would be statistically unlikely that any would make it to freeze. So, we decided to give the two best ones the best chance of life ... in me.
This morning I got a call from my wonderful nurse. I let it go to voicemail, thankfully, because it was the saddest voicemail I ever had to hear. She was telling me that the remaining two embryos, unfortunately, did not make it to freeze. One was a blastocyst; the other didn't quite get to blast and lacked some inner cell mass (ICM) -- the important part that creates the baby. While I had told myself that this was a very likely scenario, I was still so, so upset. I cried at my desk at work, I couldn't help it. It's not the same as a death. I didn't miscarry. I didn't lose someone I loved. But I lost hope. This means that if this cycle is unsuccessful, we have to start all over. We have nothing waiting for us. It also means that if this does work, in a few years from now if we'd like another child, we'll either need to consider starting this again (which I do not think I will want to do) or possibly adopting. I'm obviously more concerned with the first scenario.
So, the loss of our embryos was extremely emotional for both DH and me. I'm hoping we get good news in a few days and today's news will be less of a blow. While finding out that we only had four embryos was hard to hear, finding out today we have none left was the worst news I've gotten thus far in this long infertility journey. I always thought our fertility issues would be overcome if we moved on to IVF ... but apparently they're just as bad even with the best science and technology.
Today, I'll be sad. It sucks. The future is again, unknown.
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