It's so weird to think that in a matter of days I went from ecstatically pregnant to devastatingly not. I don't even remember being that excited about it, actually, because I was so nervous this was going to happen. I didn't want to tell anyone beyond my dad, mother in law and my BBC friends because of this. This is why people don't go shouting from the rooftops when they get a +hpt at home. Because so much can happen in a few weeks, days, hours.
I've never experienced a loss before. I had no idea what to expect. I knew we were losing the baby on Sunday when I was sitting in the ER waiting for test results. Did I want to hear that maybe it was too early to see anything on the ultrasound? Of course. Did I want to hear that my very strong beta was a good sign? Absolutely. Did I know that none of it mattered because I was probably miscarrying right there on the table? Yup.
One of the worst parts of all of this is the DH is taking it so hard. He was so excited about this pregnancy. I was, too, of course, but seeing him excited about this was a feeling like no other. Now, to see him so hurt, is unbearable.
I know I want to have a family but I'm not sure at what point to say enough is enough. I know we aren't there yet and I hope that when that time comes (and I hope it never does) I will know and be at peace with it. As we wait for my beta to drop, I'm sure we'll need to take a break. We have so many questions for our doctor.
... why did only 4 of our eggs fertilize?
... should we do genetic testing?
... will we do a more aggressive protocol in the future?
... do we have an egg quality issue?
... do success rates for fresh cycles decline with every try?
My nurse has been so sweet. She told me yesterday she never thought she'd have to make the call that my beta had dropped significantly. Said she thought I'd be a 'one and done' patient.
I will not give up. But I am having a really, really, really hard time. IVF is so expensive. How can we ever afford it again? (This is why I was so upset the day we learned we had no embryos make it to freeze ...)
I'm having doubts about my faith in this process. Faith in myself and my body. Faith that I will know when we should try this crazy roller coaster again. Then I have thoughts that I'd rather not have, like ...
Does this mean it 'isn't meant to be'? ...
Maybe I would be a bad mom anyway ...
I'm not supposed to be happy ...
I'm being punished for something ...
But I know I have to push those thoughts away in order to let the teeny, tiny little bit of hope I know is still inside of me creep in. Just not sure I'm ready yet. For now, I'm bitter stefanel.
Tuesday, April 24, 2012
Monday, April 23, 2012
sucks to be right
After an ER visit, 2 betas and 2 ultrasounds in under 12 hours, my worst fear was confirmed. I miscarried.
No one needs to know the details but I was in a lot of pain yesterday and knew something was wrong. It is beyond upsetting and devastating and sad and unfair. I know we'll get through it but for right now it just totally sucks.
That's all I can think of to say ...
No one needs to know the details but I was in a lot of pain yesterday and knew something was wrong. It is beyond upsetting and devastating and sad and unfair. I know we'll get through it but for right now it just totally sucks.
That's all I can think of to say ...
Saturday, April 21, 2012
doubts
I hate not knowing what is going on inside of me. I've been spotting/bleeding for over a week now yet I'm still supposed to think it's just an irritated cervix. Well, today I have had more intense cramping and the most red blood I've seen yet. I called the emergency line for my RE and the nurse on call said to stay positive, my betas are good and there isn't any reason to worry. How is bleeding not a cause for concern? I don't know if I can go through 9 more days of this. I just want to know.
Friday, April 20, 2012
more good news
When you've tried to get pregnant for more cycles than you can possibly count (we're talking a few years here) you get pretty used to bad news and disappointment. I've been spotting now for a week, so while my beta was great from Tuesday, I was pretty anxious about what it would be Thursday.
What they are looking for, is for the HCG level in my blood to increase at a certain rate in two days. Doubling is preferred but it's not necessarily bad if it's not quite doubling either. I know plenty of people whose doubling rate was more than 48 hours and they now have healthy, beautiful babies. But, when I got the call yesterday, I was very excited to hear that my HCG was ...
1172!
That's a doubling rate of 39.53 hours, which is fabulous! :)
Of course, now the question is ... How many are there? One or two?
There is really no way to know until the first ultrasound, which I've scheduled for Monday the 30th. So soon! We can speculate but the truth is, it could be a singleton growing at a furious pace ... Or, it could be twins. I have a third and final beta this coming Monday and then another week to spend wondering.
Right now, I really don't know! I'm thinking twins ... Maybe. I'm just so so so happy to have 2 great betas behind me! I'm excited to maybe, finally, really actually be pregnant!
What they are looking for, is for the HCG level in my blood to increase at a certain rate in two days. Doubling is preferred but it's not necessarily bad if it's not quite doubling either. I know plenty of people whose doubling rate was more than 48 hours and they now have healthy, beautiful babies. But, when I got the call yesterday, I was very excited to hear that my HCG was ...
1172!
That's a doubling rate of 39.53 hours, which is fabulous! :)
Of course, now the question is ... How many are there? One or two?
There is really no way to know until the first ultrasound, which I've scheduled for Monday the 30th. So soon! We can speculate but the truth is, it could be a singleton growing at a furious pace ... Or, it could be twins. I have a third and final beta this coming Monday and then another week to spend wondering.
Right now, I really don't know! I'm thinking twins ... Maybe. I'm just so so so happy to have 2 great betas behind me! I'm excited to maybe, finally, really actually be pregnant!
Tuesday, April 17, 2012
Sunday, April 15, 2012
the nerves are getting to me
I'm anxious to begin with, but this wait is driving me insane! I called my nurse Friday to see if maybe I could come in fir a blood draw earlier ... nope! I'm already coming in a day early so no luck there.
Also have had a few scares this weekend, starting on Friday afternoon. Went to the bathroom to take my mid-day progesterone and I saw pink on the tp. A lot of pink.
Now, I should know better than to over think this. Plenty of women spot early in pregnancy and go on to have healthy babies! I've also had cramping. Well, I'm hoping there is a baby (or babies!) growing in there so some readjusting of space is bound to happen. I'm also on vaginal progesterone, not pleasant for so many reasons, including that it can irritate your cervix. I get all of these possibilities. I even dismissed the pink yesterday when I saw it again, since I had already rationalized with myself that it was fine.
Then came today. Went to the store, cooked breakfast, did a few things around the house, then went to the bathroom around noon and couldn't believe what I was seeing.
Red.
No. No, no, no. Red is bad. Everyone says pink or brown is okay but not red. Red is the scary color. It wasn't a lot of red, but just enough to throw me into full on freak out mode.
I want this/these babies so much. I don't want them to leave me. This is going to be another long week.
Also have had a few scares this weekend, starting on Friday afternoon. Went to the bathroom to take my mid-day progesterone and I saw pink on the tp. A lot of pink.
Now, I should know better than to over think this. Plenty of women spot early in pregnancy and go on to have healthy babies! I've also had cramping. Well, I'm hoping there is a baby (or babies!) growing in there so some readjusting of space is bound to happen. I'm also on vaginal progesterone, not pleasant for so many reasons, including that it can irritate your cervix. I get all of these possibilities. I even dismissed the pink yesterday when I saw it again, since I had already rationalized with myself that it was fine.
Then came today. Went to the store, cooked breakfast, did a few things around the house, then went to the bathroom around noon and couldn't believe what I was seeing.
Red.
No. No, no, no. Red is bad. Everyone says pink or brown is okay but not red. Red is the scary color. It wasn't a lot of red, but just enough to throw me into full on freak out mode.
I want this/these babies so much. I don't want them to leave me. This is going to be another long week.
Friday, April 13, 2012
the wait!
I finally scheduled my beta for Tuesday, the 17th at 7:15 a.m. My clinic actually wanted me to wait until Wednesday ... so far away! But, my nurse doesn't work on Wednesdays and I really don't want another nurse telling me the news ... plus, I want to know!
It's been a tough week. But we have almost gotten through it. I've been very tired all week, stomach is doing some weird things, boobs are sore, some cramping (normal). But, I know symptoms don't mean much since I'm on progesterone supplements.
I will say that I have tested. But I'm not going to take anything I see or don't see on a pee stick to be true until I get my blood test.
In four days.
It's been a tough week. But we have almost gotten through it. I've been very tired all week, stomach is doing some weird things, boobs are sore, some cramping (normal). But, I know symptoms don't mean much since I'm on progesterone supplements.
I will say that I have tested. But I'm not going to take anything I see or don't see on a pee stick to be true until I get my blood test.
In four days.
Monday, April 9, 2012
long time, no blog
It's been a few days since I've had the energy to get on here. I was SO excited about my transfer, I figured I'd want to blurt out every detail to the world as soon as I got home. I essentially had 4 days off with nothing planned but rest and relaxation so I should have had plenty of time to update.
In short, I did not have a great experience with my transfer but I don't want to rehash it or get into it on here because it is too personal. I expected a certain standard of care/treatment and unfortunately, left the clinic feeling that my expectations were not met. It mainly had to do with our decision to transfer two embryos versus our clinic's strong recommendation to only transfer one.
Anyway, I had some cramping, twinges, etc. this weekend but nothing that took my breath away. I don't feel any different. I don't feel pregnant. I'm tired, moody and feeling pretty hopeless ... all the things I feel before the end of another failed cycle. I wonder how many we've been through now... stopped counting a while ago.
I am not hopeless though, or at least I don't want to be. I shouldn't! We transferred two BEAUTIFUL blastocysts on Thursday and I am SO happy with our decision to transfer both. One of our big fears was that with our small number of fertilized embryos (four), it would be statistically unlikely that any would make it to freeze. So, we decided to give the two best ones the best chance of life ... in me.
This morning I got a call from my wonderful nurse. I let it go to voicemail, thankfully, because it was the saddest voicemail I ever had to hear. She was telling me that the remaining two embryos, unfortunately, did not make it to freeze. One was a blastocyst; the other didn't quite get to blast and lacked some inner cell mass (ICM) -- the important part that creates the baby. While I had told myself that this was a very likely scenario, I was still so, so upset. I cried at my desk at work, I couldn't help it. It's not the same as a death. I didn't miscarry. I didn't lose someone I loved. But I lost hope. This means that if this cycle is unsuccessful, we have to start all over. We have nothing waiting for us. It also means that if this does work, in a few years from now if we'd like another child, we'll either need to consider starting this again (which I do not think I will want to do) or possibly adopting. I'm obviously more concerned with the first scenario.
So, the loss of our embryos was extremely emotional for both DH and me. I'm hoping we get good news in a few days and today's news will be less of a blow. While finding out that we only had four embryos was hard to hear, finding out today we have none left was the worst news I've gotten thus far in this long infertility journey. I always thought our fertility issues would be overcome if we moved on to IVF ... but apparently they're just as bad even with the best science and technology.
Today, I'll be sad. It sucks. The future is again, unknown.
In short, I did not have a great experience with my transfer but I don't want to rehash it or get into it on here because it is too personal. I expected a certain standard of care/treatment and unfortunately, left the clinic feeling that my expectations were not met. It mainly had to do with our decision to transfer two embryos versus our clinic's strong recommendation to only transfer one.
Anyway, I had some cramping, twinges, etc. this weekend but nothing that took my breath away. I don't feel any different. I don't feel pregnant. I'm tired, moody and feeling pretty hopeless ... all the things I feel before the end of another failed cycle. I wonder how many we've been through now... stopped counting a while ago.
I am not hopeless though, or at least I don't want to be. I shouldn't! We transferred two BEAUTIFUL blastocysts on Thursday and I am SO happy with our decision to transfer both. One of our big fears was that with our small number of fertilized embryos (four), it would be statistically unlikely that any would make it to freeze. So, we decided to give the two best ones the best chance of life ... in me.
This morning I got a call from my wonderful nurse. I let it go to voicemail, thankfully, because it was the saddest voicemail I ever had to hear. She was telling me that the remaining two embryos, unfortunately, did not make it to freeze. One was a blastocyst; the other didn't quite get to blast and lacked some inner cell mass (ICM) -- the important part that creates the baby. While I had told myself that this was a very likely scenario, I was still so, so upset. I cried at my desk at work, I couldn't help it. It's not the same as a death. I didn't miscarry. I didn't lose someone I loved. But I lost hope. This means that if this cycle is unsuccessful, we have to start all over. We have nothing waiting for us. It also means that if this does work, in a few years from now if we'd like another child, we'll either need to consider starting this again (which I do not think I will want to do) or possibly adopting. I'm obviously more concerned with the first scenario.
So, the loss of our embryos was extremely emotional for both DH and me. I'm hoping we get good news in a few days and today's news will be less of a blow. While finding out that we only had four embryos was hard to hear, finding out today we have none left was the worst news I've gotten thus far in this long infertility journey. I always thought our fertility issues would be overcome if we moved on to IVF ... but apparently they're just as bad even with the best science and technology.
Today, I'll be sad. It sucks. The future is again, unknown.
Thursday, April 5, 2012
a lucky sock kinda day :)
I appreciate all the good vibes and juju from near and far! Transfer day is finally here!
Wednesday, April 4, 2012
transfer eve!
eeeeeeek!
Tomorrow is transfer day! So many emotions ... I've been so busy it's been hard to focus on them but I am so excited and hopeful. I know that there is nothing more we can do ... whatever will be, will be. I'm taking it easy for a few days after transfer, and then plan to find plenty to do to help make it through until my beta ... in two (long) weeks!
Our future babies are growing strong and I can't wait to meet them tomorrow! It's just so amazing that we were able to create life despite our fertility challenges. While I'm optimistic, I'm also realistic. But for now I'm going to try to just think positively and not dwell too much on the numbers.
In just a few hours, I'll be PUPO!
*pregnant until proven otherwise :)
Tomorrow is transfer day! So many emotions ... I've been so busy it's been hard to focus on them but I am so excited and hopeful. I know that there is nothing more we can do ... whatever will be, will be. I'm taking it easy for a few days after transfer, and then plan to find plenty to do to help make it through until my beta ... in two (long) weeks!
Our future babies are growing strong and I can't wait to meet them tomorrow! It's just so amazing that we were able to create life despite our fertility challenges. While I'm optimistic, I'm also realistic. But for now I'm going to try to just think positively and not dwell too much on the numbers.
In just a few hours, I'll be PUPO!
*pregnant until proven otherwise :)
Tuesday, April 3, 2012
we have growth!
I was a little hung up on the numbers Sunday when I found out that we only had four embryos. I called my nurse a little upset Monday and she called back with wonderful news. What we didn't have in quantity we certainly had in quality!
On Monday, 3 embryos were 4-cell and 1 was 2-cell. Plus, according to my nurse, they were 'beautiful' ... they looked great and had no fragmentation. That definitely lifted my spirits. However, I was still a tad concerned ... Would they make it to day 5?
I didn't get a call as early today as I had hoped but around 2:30 I heard from my nurse ... and we still have 4 perfect embabies! Words I love to hear! 2 are 7-cell and 2 are 8-cell :) :) Eeeeek! This is fantastic news! She said that I won't be getting a call tomorrow because they are doing so well. After they reach 8 cells, they can't count anymore since they start getting more complex (she said they start looking like a cluster of grapes).
So... transfer is scheduled for Thursday at 9:30am. We will decide that day how many we will transfer ... standard is 1 but we are leaning toward 2 ... But thats not 100% decided yet.
No eating restrictions this time but I will need a full bladder. Then it's bedrest for 24ish hours ... and, 2 weeks of waiting.
My Dad was really cute today when I texted him the growth update. His response was 'YEAH!!!!!!!!!' aww, he's so excited :)
In other news, DH is still pretty sick so MIL is here helping out the both of us. He's having some tests run and I'm hoping it's nothing too serious ... fingers crossed.
This whole process has been so emotional but most of all just incredible. Science is amazing I can't wait to see our embryos in 36 hours and welcome them to their new home!! :)
On Monday, 3 embryos were 4-cell and 1 was 2-cell. Plus, according to my nurse, they were 'beautiful' ... they looked great and had no fragmentation. That definitely lifted my spirits. However, I was still a tad concerned ... Would they make it to day 5?
I didn't get a call as early today as I had hoped but around 2:30 I heard from my nurse ... and we still have 4 perfect embabies! Words I love to hear! 2 are 7-cell and 2 are 8-cell :) :) Eeeeek! This is fantastic news! She said that I won't be getting a call tomorrow because they are doing so well. After they reach 8 cells, they can't count anymore since they start getting more complex (she said they start looking like a cluster of grapes).
So... transfer is scheduled for Thursday at 9:30am. We will decide that day how many we will transfer ... standard is 1 but we are leaning toward 2 ... But thats not 100% decided yet.
No eating restrictions this time but I will need a full bladder. Then it's bedrest for 24ish hours ... and, 2 weeks of waiting.
My Dad was really cute today when I texted him the growth update. His response was 'YEAH!!!!!!!!!' aww, he's so excited :)
In other news, DH is still pretty sick so MIL is here helping out the both of us. He's having some tests run and I'm hoping it's nothing too serious ... fingers crossed.
This whole process has been so emotional but most of all just incredible. Science is amazing I can't wait to see our embryos in 36 hours and welcome them to their new home!! :)
Sunday, April 1, 2012
the call ...
I was expecting a call from the embryologist between noon and 3 today, so when the phone rang at 9:30 my heart stopped.
"Out of the 13 eggs retrieved, 10 were mature," she said. Okay, that sounded good. She continued, "Out of those 10, 4 are now 2-cell embryos."
I took a deep breath and asked her to clarify that only 4 of my eggs had fertilized, to which she responded, "Yes. We hope for 50% to fertilize so 4 is not far from that." I thanked her and hung up.
13...to 10...to 4. Needless to say, I'm sad and bummed. Sad. Depressed. She also didn't confirm a transfer date so we will have to wait to find out tomorrow how they are doing. I was so happy yesterday (minus the pain), and now I feel like there is no way this will work. I'm sure there are stories like this that have turned out positive but I'm not at a place where I can believe this will.
Four ... this means we will probably transfer 2 embryos on either day, since the odds of a lower quality embryo surviving the freeze and thaw process isn't great.
I want to think these embabies are strong and will grow. I want a happy ending. I did everything right ... all I want is my baby :-/
"Out of the 13 eggs retrieved, 10 were mature," she said. Okay, that sounded good. She continued, "Out of those 10, 4 are now 2-cell embryos."
I took a deep breath and asked her to clarify that only 4 of my eggs had fertilized, to which she responded, "Yes. We hope for 50% to fertilize so 4 is not far from that." I thanked her and hung up.
13...to 10...to 4. Needless to say, I'm sad and bummed. Sad. Depressed. She also didn't confirm a transfer date so we will have to wait to find out tomorrow how they are doing. I was so happy yesterday (minus the pain), and now I feel like there is no way this will work. I'm sure there are stories like this that have turned out positive but I'm not at a place where I can believe this will.
Four ... this means we will probably transfer 2 embryos on either day, since the odds of a lower quality embryo surviving the freeze and thaw process isn't great.
I want to think these embabies are strong and will grow. I want a happy ending. I did everything right ... all I want is my baby :-/
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