numbness has set in

It's so weird to think that in a matter of days I went from ecstatically pregnant to devastatingly not. I don't even remember being that excited about it, actually, because I was so nervous this was going to happen. I didn't want to tell anyone beyond my dad, mother in law and my BBC friends because of this. This is why people don't go shouting from the rooftops when they get a +hpt at home. Because so much can happen in a few weeks, days, hours.

I've never experienced a loss before. I had no idea what to expect. I knew we were losing the baby on Sunday when I was sitting in the ER waiting for test results. Did I want to hear that maybe it was too early to see anything on the ultrasound? Of course. Did I want to hear that my very strong beta was a good sign? Absolutely. Did I know that none of it mattered because I was probably miscarrying right there on the table? Yup.

One of the worst parts of all of this is the DH is taking it so hard. He was so excited about this pregnancy. I was, too, of course, but seeing him excited about this was a feeling like no other. Now, to see him so hurt, is unbearable.

I know I want to have a family but I'm not sure at what point to say enough is enough. I know we aren't there yet and I hope that when that time comes (and I hope it never does) I will know and be at peace with it. As we wait for my beta to drop, I'm sure we'll need to take a break. We have so many questions for our doctor.

... why did only 4 of our eggs fertilize?
... should we do genetic testing?
... will we do a more aggressive protocol in the future?
... do we have an egg quality issue?
... do success rates for fresh cycles decline with every try?

My nurse has been so sweet. She told me yesterday she never thought she'd have to make the call that my beta had dropped significantly. Said she thought I'd be a 'one and done' patient.

I will not give up. But I am having a really, really, really hard time. IVF is so expensive. How can we ever afford it again? (This is why I was so upset the day we learned we had no embryos make it to freeze ...)

I'm having doubts about my faith in this process. Faith in myself and my body. Faith that I will know when we should try this crazy roller coaster again. Then I have thoughts that I'd rather not have, like ...

Does this mean it 'isn't meant to be'? ...
Maybe I would be a bad mom anyway ...
I'm not supposed to be happy ...
I'm being punished for something ...


But I know I have to push those thoughts away in order to let the teeny, tiny little bit of hope I know is still inside of me creep in. Just not sure I'm ready yet. For now, I'm bitter stefanel.