quick update

After a week of crappy news, I was kind of happy to hear on Friday afternoon that the second dose of methotrexate 'worked' and my beta was down to 579. The "kind of" is because it totally screwed up my weekend plans for graduation by being cautious, but it is what it is. I am glad I did not have to get a third dose. I have a repeat draw tomorrow morning and I'll feel better if it's still going down ... I guess.

I do have to give a 'shout out' to my AWESOME and sweet nurse who felt SO bad about me canceling my graduation plans ... she got me flowers and a card signed by a few of the other nurses and staff. The card was so sweet. Though it was a graduation card, the front was entitled 'new beginnings' ... how appropriate ... :)

Sweetest gift from my RE nurse

Our therapist suggested trying to find ways to acknowledge the loss, but once the beta numbers started going up it messed with my head. But now that they're going back down (knock on wood), I want to deal, whatever that means. She mentioned a lot of things that made me want to vomit because I'm not overly sentimental and think a lot of memento-type things can be cheesy, but I appreciated the effort especially because she doesn't know us that well. The one thing we decided on is that we would find a box to put the photo of our two embryos in. We would also put a letter to them from each of us inside. Tonight I got the box and a heart shaped picture frame. We haven't written the letters yet, but it's a start. That will be hard. The box is kind of "Parisian" but it has the alphabet on it so it reminded me of something child-like, yet something I might have in my home. Of course, my cat wouldn't let me get a pic of the box alone ... silly cat.

In other news, I graduated last weekend with my master's degree! I now have a Master of Science in Health Communication. It was a long, hard two years but I'm very proud of myself. Thanks to my wonderful hubby for always supporting me, even though there were many times when he did not want to see me on my computer doing school work late at night! Here are a couple of photos from my faux ceremony at the ocean (embrace the awkwardness!).

In the spirit of positive news, my future sister-in-law asked me to design their wedding invites. I think they look perdy :) I enjoy doing small graphics projects, so I was happy she asked! They're getting married in late August.

While I'm happy to be finished with school, I'm realizing I have a chunk of time I haven't had for a while ... and I've already slipped into depressed states a few times. I'm come to the realization I won't be pregnant or have a baby anytime soon. My December due date is just a distant memory. I don't know that I want to do IVF again. We certainly can't afford it. Financial support from family has been offered but I'm not sure I'm comfortable with that ... sigh.

I'm trying to focus on what is positive ... but that is really, really hard. I've had a tough couple of weeks personally, professionally and with some family stuff which I won't get into but I'm just run down.

I feel like there is a world out there that I'm missing out on with all of this energy on TTC. Maybe a baby just isn't in the cards for me.

... okay, that wasn't so quick after all!