i'm not okay.

My beta is going up.

No, this isn't good. At the rate it was decreasing, it should have been pretty darn close to 0 this week, but instead I got a voicemail from my nurse today saying I needed to call her to discuss my bloodwork from this morning. She only leaves good news on my voicemail, so I knew something was up. Well, I called and she was clearly concerned because she said she hated to deliver news like this but my beta was up.

Well, okay, how up?

In the 400s, sweetie.

Awesome.

So, actually, it's the exact opposite of awesome. It could likely mean an ectopic pregnancy, or a pregnancy outside of the uterus. So, in the tubes, for example. Or a blighted ovum, so an empty sac. Or random fragments of tissue floating around in my body making a mockery of this whole fucking thing.

Tomorrow I bumped whoever had the earliest appointment and I'll be going in for ultrasound and bloodwork. I don't know what they are looking for in order to 'see' if it's ectopic, but I was told that I'll have my appointment, leave, wait for a call about the bloodwork results and if they both indicate EP then I'll have to go back to get a shot to essentially terminate the pregnancy since apparently my body is not doing what it's supposed to. Or trying to hold on to something that isn't there. Or ... something.

AHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!! I was totally blindsided by this. I'm so freaked out. There is no happy ending here. It's either ectopic or a blighted ovum or something inexplicable. In any scenario it means a scary drug or surgery and quite possibly a long ass break from trying to have a baby.

And, of course, since shit loves to dump on me all at once, tomorrow I am giving basically the biggest presentation of my life to some big wigs at work and I'm going to have this in the back of my mind. So I'll go to my appointment, give my 2 hour presentation, then wait for the call. FUN!

So. Not. Okay.