this.will.never.end.

It's been a few days since I've updated so I'll do a quick recap. My ultrasound showed nothing on Friday, which didn't mean anything one way or another, as in continued uncertainty. However, I got my beta back around noon which showed it had increased to around 550, so I had to go back to the RE in the afternoon to discuss the methotrexate.

Let me back up by saying that somehow I managed to pull myself together after my early appointment and gave a kick ass presentation at work! More on this another time, but I heard from many people they were impressed. After lunch, I headed back up to the RE with DH, who came home from work early to be with me.

Basically, we didn't have to do the mtx, but we decided it was the best option. If there was a "pregnancy" (quotes because I'm not pregnant with a baby, there is something, likely tissue or microscopic cells in my body multiplying and producing HCG) it is definitely not viable, so the best thing to do is rid my body of it. We thought it was doing it naturally, but turns out it didn't quite finish.

We could have waited it out, but since nothing has ever been seen on an ultrasound, they don't know where the "pregnancy" is ... could be in the uterus, could be in my tubes. Treating it (ridding it) now, increases the changes that my body will respond before it does damage to my precious tubes. So, two shots in the rear later, and we were outta there.

I didn't feel too many side effects ... fatigue and a teeny bit of cramping, but nothing that screamed "hey, this is working!"

And, alas, I was right... beta today was in the 800s!!! I couldn't believe it.

So, back up I went. I was pretty upset, got the news at a lunch meeting at the Olive Garden, was holding the phone under the table trying to be discreet. Fun times.

This weekend is my graduation for my master's and my RE and nurse know this. So, they gave me several scenarios to try to help me get up there (of course we had planned to fly Friday) that would be safe, given that my next appt. isn't until Friday morning.

1. Do an earlier appt: bloodwork and ultrasound Thursday. Pros: if beta dropped and nothing on u/s, it would be a good sign that the meds are working. Cons: if beta hadn't dropped 15% I would still need to go back as scheduled on Friday. So, not a great chance of an earlier answer.

2. Schedule my Friday appt in Rockville (main clinic) Friday. Pros: I would get the bloodwork results earlier (10 a.m.-ish) since the lab is onsite and could be given the mtx there, if needed. Cons: Stress waiting until the very last minute (we're talking 45 minutes to the airport for a 12:30 flight).

3. D&C tomorrow. This option was only suggested because of the Boston trip. It would not have been recommended normally, but my doctor was just trying to think of ways to help. Like I said, they don't know where the "pregnancy" is, so it's a 50/50 chance that the D&C would rid me of the "pregnancy" (Pro). If it wasn't in there, we would know it was in my tubes (Also a Pro I guess). Con: Doing a surgery for potentially no medically indicated reason. And, would I really want to get on a plane on Friday if we did a D&C on Wednesday?

4. Continue on with standard protocol as planned: u/s and bloodwork on Friday. Pros: No stressful running around on Friday and no medically unnecessary (at this point in time anyway) procedures. Cons: For sure cancelling Boston.

I went with #4. I can't be any more stressed than I already am. While I'm bummed to miss my graduation, I want to do what is the safest thing for me and my reproductive health. I may end up having surgery next week, either a D&C or on my tubes ... but for now, we're going to sit on it and see what Friday brings.

I'm bummed, pissed, upset, yeah. But it's the cards I've been dealt so I'm rolling with the punches as best I can. Had a great talk with my RE and nurse today and even shared a few laughs together. What can ya do?

Like my Momma always said (miss you and love you) when she was going through cancer treatments ... you gotta have a few laughs.

She couldn't have been more right.