So far, IVF round 2 has been pretty much like round 1 ... I know what to expect and it's just a lot easier. Physically anyway. I've even started giving myself my own shots, which I never thought would happen (I'll save the trigger for DH though!).
There's not much to report. Today is day 9 of stims. My E2 has risen nicely just like last time (111, 256, 813) and we have just upped my meds slightly. My largest follicle was 13mm yesterday, so I'm thinking we will trigger Tuesday for a Thursday retrieval, but we'll see. As long as we avoid Saturday (that would be horrible as DH has a work commitment) we should be fine! I actually shortened my time on BCP to specifically avoid that day... Just hoping my body cooperates...
This cycle is out of pocket, though I'm thankful for financial assistance from my family and my RE! We definitely could not have afforded another cycle (my first was partially covered, but now I've exceeded my lifetime benefit for infertility... awesome). My RE's office was so incredibly generous and gave me 1200IUs of follistim, a bunch of menopur (probably 10 days worth) and some supplies. I was so happy I cried! I still have some gonal-f leftover so I should be totally covered with meds, just had to get the ganirelex and some of the pills and stuff. SO grateful!
I wasn't sure I ever wanted to do IVF again after the mess I went through after my first round ... Spotting ... Dropping betas ... Confirmed m/c .... Rising betas ... Suspected ectopic ... Mtx ... More rising betas! Ugh. Just thinking about my life in April/may of this year is exhausting.
I tried to think about my life if I were childless and it made me very depressed. The only thing that made me feel better was to wrap my mind around trying to maybe be hopeful that this would all work out ... It took me a while to get here, and while I can't say for sure exactly what I think or feel about this whole situation, I know this is the right next step.
I've already been through the worst ... So whatever this cycle brings, I can take it if it gets me closer to being a mom.
Sunday, September 23, 2012
Monday, August 27, 2012
Tuesday, May 22, 2012
quick update
After a week of crappy news, I was kind of happy to hear on Friday afternoon that the second dose of methotrexate 'worked' and my beta was down to 579. The "kind of" is because it totally screwed up my weekend plans for graduation by being cautious, but it is what it is. I am glad I did not have to get a third dose. I have a repeat draw tomorrow morning and I'll feel better if it's still going down ... I guess.
I do have to give a 'shout out' to my AWESOME and sweet nurse who felt SO bad about me canceling my graduation plans ... she got me flowers and a card signed by a few of the other nurses and staff. The card was so sweet. Though it was a graduation card, the front was entitled 'new beginnings' ... how appropriate ... :)
In other news, I graduated last weekend with my master's degree! I now have a Master of Science in Health Communication. It was a long, hard two years but I'm very proud of myself. Thanks to my wonderful hubby for always supporting me, even though there were many times when he did not want to see me on my computer doing school work late at night! Here are a couple of photos from my faux ceremony at the ocean (embrace the awkwardness!).
In the spirit of positive news, my future sister-in-law asked me to design their wedding invites. I think they look perdy :) I enjoy doing small graphics projects, so I was happy she asked! They're getting married in late August.
While I'm happy to be finished with school, I'm realizing I have a chunk of time I haven't had for a while ... and I've already slipped into depressed states a few times. I'm come to the realization I won't be pregnant or have a baby anytime soon. My December due date is just a distant memory. I don't know that I want to do IVF again. We certainly can't afford it. Financial support from family has been offered but I'm not sure I'm comfortable with that ... sigh.
I'm trying to focus on what is positive ... but that is really, really hard. I've had a tough couple of weeks personally, professionally and with some family stuff which I won't get into but I'm just run down.
I feel like there is a world out there that I'm missing out on with all of this energy on TTC. Maybe a baby just isn't in the cards for me.
... okay, that wasn't so quick after all!
I do have to give a 'shout out' to my AWESOME and sweet nurse who felt SO bad about me canceling my graduation plans ... she got me flowers and a card signed by a few of the other nurses and staff. The card was so sweet. Though it was a graduation card, the front was entitled 'new beginnings' ... how appropriate ... :)
 |
| Sweetest gift from my RE nurse |
Our therapist suggested trying to find ways to acknowledge the loss, but
once the beta numbers started going up it messed with my head. But now
that they're going back down (knock on wood), I want to deal, whatever
that means. She mentioned a lot of things that made me want to vomit
because I'm not overly sentimental and think a lot of memento-type
things can be cheesy, but I appreciated the effort especially because
she doesn't know us that well. The one thing we decided on is that we
would find a box to put the photo of our two embryos in. We would also
put a letter to them from each of us inside. Tonight I got the box and a
heart shaped picture frame. We haven't written the letters yet, but
it's a start. That will be hard. The box is kind of "Parisian" but it
has the alphabet on it so it reminded me of something child-like, yet
something I might have in my home. Of course, my cat wouldn't let me get
a pic of the box alone ... silly cat.
In other news, I graduated last weekend with my master's degree! I now have a Master of Science in Health Communication. It was a long, hard two years but I'm very proud of myself. Thanks to my wonderful hubby for always supporting me, even though there were many times when he did not want to see me on my computer doing school work late at night! Here are a couple of photos from my faux ceremony at the ocean (embrace the awkwardness!).
In the spirit of positive news, my future sister-in-law asked me to design their wedding invites. I think they look perdy :) I enjoy doing small graphics projects, so I was happy she asked! They're getting married in late August.
While I'm happy to be finished with school, I'm realizing I have a chunk of time I haven't had for a while ... and I've already slipped into depressed states a few times. I'm come to the realization I won't be pregnant or have a baby anytime soon. My December due date is just a distant memory. I don't know that I want to do IVF again. We certainly can't afford it. Financial support from family has been offered but I'm not sure I'm comfortable with that ... sigh.
I'm trying to focus on what is positive ... but that is really, really hard. I've had a tough couple of weeks personally, professionally and with some family stuff which I won't get into but I'm just run down.
I feel like there is a world out there that I'm missing out on with all of this energy on TTC. Maybe a baby just isn't in the cards for me.
... okay, that wasn't so quick after all!
Tuesday, May 15, 2012
this.will.never.end.
It's been a few days since I've updated so I'll do a quick recap. My ultrasound showed nothing on Friday, which didn't mean anything one way or another, as in continued uncertainty. However, I got my beta back around noon which showed it had increased to around 550, so I had to go back to the RE in the afternoon to discuss the methotrexate.
Let me back up by saying that somehow I managed to pull myself together after my early appointment and gave a kick ass presentation at work! More on this another time, but I heard from many people they were impressed. After lunch, I headed back up to the RE with DH, who came home from work early to be with me.
Basically, we didn't have to do the mtx, but we decided it was the best option. If there was a "pregnancy" (quotes because I'm not pregnant with a baby, there is something, likely tissue or microscopic cells in my body multiplying and producing HCG) it is definitely not viable, so the best thing to do is rid my body of it. We thought it was doing it naturally, but turns out it didn't quite finish.
We could have waited it out, but since nothing has ever been seen on an ultrasound, they don't know where the "pregnancy" is ... could be in the uterus, could be in my tubes. Treating it (ridding it) now, increases the changes that my body will respond before it does damage to my precious tubes. So, two shots in the rear later, and we were outta there.
I didn't feel too many side effects ... fatigue and a teeny bit of cramping, but nothing that screamed "hey, this is working!"
And, alas, I was right... beta today was in the 800s!!! I couldn't believe it.
So, back up I went. I was pretty upset, got the news at a lunch meeting at the Olive Garden, was holding the phone under the table trying to be discreet. Fun times.
This weekend is my graduation for my master's and my RE and nurse know this. So, they gave me several scenarios to try to help me get up there (of course we had planned to fly Friday) that would be safe, given that my next appt. isn't until Friday morning.
1. Do an earlier appt: bloodwork and ultrasound Thursday. Pros: if beta dropped and nothing on u/s, it would be a good sign that the meds are working. Cons: if beta hadn't dropped 15% I would still need to go back as scheduled on Friday. So, not a great chance of an earlier answer.
2. Schedule my Friday appt in Rockville (main clinic) Friday. Pros: I would get the bloodwork results earlier (10 a.m.-ish) since the lab is onsite and could be given the mtx there, if needed. Cons: Stress waiting until the very last minute (we're talking 45 minutes to the airport for a 12:30 flight).
3. D&C tomorrow. This option was only suggested because of the Boston trip. It would not have been recommended normally, but my doctor was just trying to think of ways to help. Like I said, they don't know where the "pregnancy" is, so it's a 50/50 chance that the D&C would rid me of the "pregnancy" (Pro). If it wasn't in there, we would know it was in my tubes (Also a Pro I guess). Con: Doing a surgery for potentially no medically indicated reason. And, would I really want to get on a plane on Friday if we did a D&C on Wednesday?
4. Continue on with standard protocol as planned: u/s and bloodwork on Friday. Pros: No stressful running around on Friday and no medically unnecessary (at this point in time anyway) procedures. Cons: For sure cancelling Boston.
I went with #4. I can't be any more stressed than I already am. While I'm bummed to miss my graduation, I want to do what is the safest thing for me and my reproductive health. I may end up having surgery next week, either a D&C or on my tubes ... but for now, we're going to sit on it and see what Friday brings.
I'm bummed, pissed, upset, yeah. But it's the cards I've been dealt so I'm rolling with the punches as best I can. Had a great talk with my RE and nurse today and even shared a few laughs together. What can ya do?
Like my Momma always said (miss you and love you) when she was going through cancer treatments ... you gotta have a few laughs.
She couldn't have been more right.
Let me back up by saying that somehow I managed to pull myself together after my early appointment and gave a kick ass presentation at work! More on this another time, but I heard from many people they were impressed. After lunch, I headed back up to the RE with DH, who came home from work early to be with me.
Basically, we didn't have to do the mtx, but we decided it was the best option. If there was a "pregnancy" (quotes because I'm not pregnant with a baby, there is something, likely tissue or microscopic cells in my body multiplying and producing HCG) it is definitely not viable, so the best thing to do is rid my body of it. We thought it was doing it naturally, but turns out it didn't quite finish.
We could have waited it out, but since nothing has ever been seen on an ultrasound, they don't know where the "pregnancy" is ... could be in the uterus, could be in my tubes. Treating it (ridding it) now, increases the changes that my body will respond before it does damage to my precious tubes. So, two shots in the rear later, and we were outta there.
I didn't feel too many side effects ... fatigue and a teeny bit of cramping, but nothing that screamed "hey, this is working!"
And, alas, I was right... beta today was in the 800s!!! I couldn't believe it.
So, back up I went. I was pretty upset, got the news at a lunch meeting at the Olive Garden, was holding the phone under the table trying to be discreet. Fun times.
This weekend is my graduation for my master's and my RE and nurse know this. So, they gave me several scenarios to try to help me get up there (of course we had planned to fly Friday) that would be safe, given that my next appt. isn't until Friday morning.
1. Do an earlier appt: bloodwork and ultrasound Thursday. Pros: if beta dropped and nothing on u/s, it would be a good sign that the meds are working. Cons: if beta hadn't dropped 15% I would still need to go back as scheduled on Friday. So, not a great chance of an earlier answer.
2. Schedule my Friday appt in Rockville (main clinic) Friday. Pros: I would get the bloodwork results earlier (10 a.m.-ish) since the lab is onsite and could be given the mtx there, if needed. Cons: Stress waiting until the very last minute (we're talking 45 minutes to the airport for a 12:30 flight).
3. D&C tomorrow. This option was only suggested because of the Boston trip. It would not have been recommended normally, but my doctor was just trying to think of ways to help. Like I said, they don't know where the "pregnancy" is, so it's a 50/50 chance that the D&C would rid me of the "pregnancy" (Pro). If it wasn't in there, we would know it was in my tubes (Also a Pro I guess). Con: Doing a surgery for potentially no medically indicated reason. And, would I really want to get on a plane on Friday if we did a D&C on Wednesday?
4. Continue on with standard protocol as planned: u/s and bloodwork on Friday. Pros: No stressful running around on Friday and no medically unnecessary (at this point in time anyway) procedures. Cons: For sure cancelling Boston.
I went with #4. I can't be any more stressed than I already am. While I'm bummed to miss my graduation, I want to do what is the safest thing for me and my reproductive health. I may end up having surgery next week, either a D&C or on my tubes ... but for now, we're going to sit on it and see what Friday brings.
I'm bummed, pissed, upset, yeah. But it's the cards I've been dealt so I'm rolling with the punches as best I can. Had a great talk with my RE and nurse today and even shared a few laughs together. What can ya do?
Like my Momma always said (miss you and love you) when she was going through cancer treatments ... you gotta have a few laughs.
She couldn't have been more right.
Thursday, May 10, 2012
i'm not okay.
My beta is going up.
No, this isn't good. At the rate it was decreasing, it should have been pretty darn close to 0 this week, but instead I got a voicemail from my nurse today saying I needed to call her to discuss my bloodwork from this morning. She only leaves good news on my voicemail, so I knew something was up. Well, I called and she was clearly concerned because she said she hated to deliver news like this but my beta was up.
Well, okay, how up?
In the 400s, sweetie.
Awesome.
So, actually, it's the exact opposite of awesome. It could likely mean an ectopic pregnancy, or a pregnancy outside of the uterus. So, in the tubes, for example. Or a blighted ovum, so an empty sac. Or random fragments of tissue floating around in my body making a mockery of this whole fucking thing.
Tomorrow I bumped whoever had the earliest appointment and I'll be going in for ultrasound and bloodwork. I don't know what they are looking for in order to 'see' if it's ectopic, but I was told that I'll have my appointment, leave, wait for a call about the bloodwork results and if they both indicate EP then I'll have to go back to get a shot to essentially terminate the pregnancy since apparently my body is not doing what it's supposed to. Or trying to hold on to something that isn't there. Or ... something.
AHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!! I was totally blindsided by this. I'm so freaked out. There is no happy ending here. It's either ectopic or a blighted ovum or something inexplicable. In any scenario it means a scary drug or surgery and quite possibly a long ass break from trying to have a baby.
And, of course, since shit loves to dump on me all at once, tomorrow I am giving basically the biggest presentation of my life to some big wigs at work and I'm going to have this in the back of my mind. So I'll go to my appointment, give my 2 hour presentation, then wait for the call. FUN!
So. Not. Okay.
No, this isn't good. At the rate it was decreasing, it should have been pretty darn close to 0 this week, but instead I got a voicemail from my nurse today saying I needed to call her to discuss my bloodwork from this morning. She only leaves good news on my voicemail, so I knew something was up. Well, I called and she was clearly concerned because she said she hated to deliver news like this but my beta was up.
Well, okay, how up?
In the 400s, sweetie.
Awesome.
So, actually, it's the exact opposite of awesome. It could likely mean an ectopic pregnancy, or a pregnancy outside of the uterus. So, in the tubes, for example. Or a blighted ovum, so an empty sac. Or random fragments of tissue floating around in my body making a mockery of this whole fucking thing.
Tomorrow I bumped whoever had the earliest appointment and I'll be going in for ultrasound and bloodwork. I don't know what they are looking for in order to 'see' if it's ectopic, but I was told that I'll have my appointment, leave, wait for a call about the bloodwork results and if they both indicate EP then I'll have to go back to get a shot to essentially terminate the pregnancy since apparently my body is not doing what it's supposed to. Or trying to hold on to something that isn't there. Or ... something.
AHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!! I was totally blindsided by this. I'm so freaked out. There is no happy ending here. It's either ectopic or a blighted ovum or something inexplicable. In any scenario it means a scary drug or surgery and quite possibly a long ass break from trying to have a baby.
And, of course, since shit loves to dump on me all at once, tomorrow I am giving basically the biggest presentation of my life to some big wigs at work and I'm going to have this in the back of my mind. So I'll go to my appointment, give my 2 hour presentation, then wait for the call. FUN!
So. Not. Okay.
Thursday, May 3, 2012
... well, time for another fun update
I used to think the numbers game was fun, but now it's just ... a number. Beta Tuesday was something like 126. I honestly can't remember. My reaction was, "oh, ok!" when my nurse called (after we discussed that I would not be picking up the phone and to just leave me a voice mail). So I'm not sure if she was more surprised at my awkward enthusiasm or my picking up the phone but I definitely caught her off guard. I mean, I guess that's good, right? My body's not trying to hang on to this thing that didn't work out ... thing isn't the greatest word for a pregnancy, but I'm thinking that since I'm technically not pregnant anymore I can just call whatever is going on a thing and that's just fine.
So ... my body is ridding myself of this thing in a rather annoyingly appropriate way. I'll schedule another fun early morning poke for next week and see how much less pregnant I am then.
In positive news ... I'm taking a break from writing my LAST PAPER FOR GRAD SCHOOL! I am so excited! In 25 hours and 18 minutes I will have most definitely hit "Submit" and I'll be super close to officially being a master! Two years of a lot of work, I mean a LOT! In that time, a lot has changed in my life as well, so I'm very proud of myself for getting through it all. Well, don't want to speak to soon, I still have a few pages to write :-)
Oh and I almost forgot, I have my computer back again! It was sick, so I took it to the Apple store, finally, last weekend. Happy to report it seems to be much, much better! It's four years old, so I'm not sure how long it has left, but it's been good to me. I've been very frustrated typing on my iPhone for weeks! K... back to work. Ciao!
So ... my body is ridding myself of this thing in a rather annoyingly appropriate way. I'll schedule another fun early morning poke for next week and see how much less pregnant I am then.
In positive news ... I'm taking a break from writing my LAST PAPER FOR GRAD SCHOOL! I am so excited! In 25 hours and 18 minutes I will have most definitely hit "Submit" and I'll be super close to officially being a master! Two years of a lot of work, I mean a LOT! In that time, a lot has changed in my life as well, so I'm very proud of myself for getting through it all. Well, don't want to speak to soon, I still have a few pages to write :-)
Oh and I almost forgot, I have my computer back again! It was sick, so I took it to the Apple store, finally, last weekend. Happy to report it seems to be much, much better! It's four years old, so I'm not sure how long it has left, but it's been good to me. I've been very frustrated typing on my iPhone for weeks! K... back to work. Ciao!
Tuesday, May 1, 2012
another beta
Yesterday was supposed to be my ultrasound. Today, I'm going in for beta #4 to see how much it's dropped. Since I enjoy inflicting pain on myself, I tool an hpt over the weekend and it was still + .... So while it's dropping fast I'm guessing it's not done dropping yet.
In short, this sucks.
In short, this sucks.
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