It's finally time to start IVF! Wow. I must admit, there are many emotions going through my head right now. So many thoughts of hope and doubt... and excitement and worry. How can I NOT worry?
I freaked myself out pretty good on Friday night. I was not feeling great, was alone just sitting on the couch, when I started feeling something really beating in my chest. It wasn't as regular as a heartbeat and was stronger. It felt like it was coming from my sternum / lung area. I tracked it for a while, but eventually chalked it up to stress/anxiety.
Even though I can't be sure that's what happened, it was certainly a wakeup call. I am aware now how my anxiety can get the best of me. So I'm going to try to take this process step by step and not look *too* far into the future.
Time, for now, to just coast ...
Monday, February 27, 2012
Saturday, February 11, 2012
(impatiently) waiting
So much to look forward to. So many plans. So many What ifs ... And, what if nots. I've been waiting for my baby for so long, a few more weeks shouldn't be that bad, right?
Wrong!
Since we decided to move forward with IVF, I figured it would take a lot of time to get everything in order... Schedules, meds, money etc were the most important. Well, turns out this is going to actually be less of a hassle timewise than our IUI cycle.
So, I am forced to do something I am terrible at. Wait! I called my wonderful nurse Friday just to see if there was anything I could/should be doing. Nope! Nothing. Nothing at all.
I shouldn't complain. I have a full plate with work and school and some personal stuff. Kitty just got spayed this week. Broke my heart, but she's doing great and Layla pup is taking great care of her :)
Also, hubby and I decided to take an impromptu trip to the beach. It may be rainy (still hoping for a few snowflakes!) and cold but it's lovely to just stare at the ocean and think about how our lives are about to change.
While the thoughts of this process are definitely consuming, I'm so happy to have a great group of friends that are so supportive to turn to. I am so so lucky to have found them through BBC.
I remember a few times in Florence when I'd get homesick. But I'd quickly stop myself and say, 'look around, look at this place' ... So even though I've not reached that 'place' in my journey yet, I've begun looking for it in different ways. And, perhaps more importantly, begun to believe that we'll get there.
Wrong!
Since we decided to move forward with IVF, I figured it would take a lot of time to get everything in order... Schedules, meds, money etc were the most important. Well, turns out this is going to actually be less of a hassle timewise than our IUI cycle.
So, I am forced to do something I am terrible at. Wait! I called my wonderful nurse Friday just to see if there was anything I could/should be doing. Nope! Nothing. Nothing at all.
I shouldn't complain. I have a full plate with work and school and some personal stuff. Kitty just got spayed this week. Broke my heart, but she's doing great and Layla pup is taking great care of her :)
Also, hubby and I decided to take an impromptu trip to the beach. It may be rainy (still hoping for a few snowflakes!) and cold but it's lovely to just stare at the ocean and think about how our lives are about to change.
While the thoughts of this process are definitely consuming, I'm so happy to have a great group of friends that are so supportive to turn to. I am so so lucky to have found them through BBC.
I remember a few times in Florence when I'd get homesick. But I'd quickly stop myself and say, 'look around, look at this place' ... So even though I've not reached that 'place' in my journey yet, I've begun looking for it in different ways. And, perhaps more importantly, begun to believe that we'll get there.
Saturday, February 4, 2012
... approved!
Yay, our loan was officially approved! Passing papers Monday and then we'll have everything in place for next cycle. In a few weeks, I'll start BCP then start on tons of meds. Still lots of waiting ahead but I'm excited that this weight is now lifted.
Now, to do something productive today ...
Now, to do something productive today ...
Tuesday, January 31, 2012
the money post.
Guess what? Dealing with infertility ain't cheap. If you exhaust all of the low-tech methods and move onto IVF, we're talking the cost of a car, 4 MacBook Pros, or a decent french horn. The cost of a child for the reproductively challenged is seriously freakin expensive.
But, what's money? Money is something we earn in order to afford things we want to enjoy in life. And there is nothing more I can think of that I want more than a child.
I'm trying to be better about money this year. My Italian self had an allowance of 75 euros/week for food and it was amazing what a little budgeting could do ... and what it would leave you leftover with at the end of the week. I scored 1euro gelato to splurge on Oil Shoppe sandwiches later. Or a quick trip to the beach. Or a few more minutes at the Internet cafe (wow I wish I remembered what that place was called ... it definitely had the word "chat" in the name and was definitely sketchy).
So when I think about the up front payment for IVF, it's definitely scary, and it's definitely everything we have. Which is why we decided to apply for a small loan. Facing the cost of pregnancy, childbirth, preparing for baby and then providing for that child for at least 18 years, we don't want to go into it underground. We think it's the smart decision so we have a little cushion on hand for the unexpected.
So, I just clicked "send" on all of our pre-approval paperwork. We should know for sure in the next few days where we stand and then it will all become more real.
But, what's money? Money is something we earn in order to afford things we want to enjoy in life. And there is nothing more I can think of that I want more than a child.
I'm trying to be better about money this year. My Italian self had an allowance of 75 euros/week for food and it was amazing what a little budgeting could do ... and what it would leave you leftover with at the end of the week. I scored 1euro gelato to splurge on Oil Shoppe sandwiches later. Or a quick trip to the beach. Or a few more minutes at the Internet cafe (wow I wish I remembered what that place was called ... it definitely had the word "chat" in the name and was definitely sketchy).
So when I think about the up front payment for IVF, it's definitely scary, and it's definitely everything we have. Which is why we decided to apply for a small loan. Facing the cost of pregnancy, childbirth, preparing for baby and then providing for that child for at least 18 years, we don't want to go into it underground. We think it's the smart decision so we have a little cushion on hand for the unexpected.
So, I just clicked "send" on all of our pre-approval paperwork. We should know for sure in the next few days where we stand and then it will all become more real.
Monday, January 30, 2012
Wow, I am terrible at blogging.
If blogging were my job, I'd surely be unemployed.
Lucky for me, it's not. It's a new year and I have a whole new outlook!
Last year was very tough for me. Every month that went by with no baby to show for it, I got more and more depressed. I survived the one year anniversary of my Mom passing away, celebrated my 2 year anniversary of being married, and at year's end, we found ourselves somewhere between 2 and 3 years of trying to conceive.
After our failed IUI in July (on our anniversary), we decided to take a much needed break from meds and doctors. Well, I did anyway. David saw a urologist, who checked for any physical or chemical reasons for his low counts and found nada. Which was good, and somewhat disappointing. During this journey, I've constantly been waiting for something to "fix" so we can be normal and have a baby the old fashioned way. But of course, it's not quite that simple.
We met with Dr. Khan a week or so ago to talk about IVF. It's not something I was thrilled about, but I wanted to be educated if this was in fact our next step, and so did David, so we went. We asked a lot of questions, well David did most of the asking, actually, since I've learned a lot from my BBC friends. It's a huge undertaking: physically, mentally and of course, financially. But with our situation, it's our best chance of having a family. Our chances with IUI were basically the same as naturally, about 10% (but even less with our issues), and with IVF, their success rates are about 57%.
I'm 27, David is almost 29. Some people may wonder why we are doing IVF now. We know we are "young" (not THAT young) and have at least a few good reproductive years ahead of us. But we're not the average couple. We have medical issues that prevent us from being able to conceive naturally. I'm so thankful that there is technology and science available that will be able to bring us the baby that we want SO badly.
And as my very wise friend Sabrina said, we can make money in the future ... in the future we can't just go get a child.
So, we have taken steps toward IVF, starting in March! We're so, so, so, so excited. Right now we're getting our finances in order and making sure my insurance company pre-authorizes everything. I'm lucky that I do have some infertility coverage, but it will still cost us quite a bit out of pocket. But to us, it is beyond worth it.
Lucky for me, it's not. It's a new year and I have a whole new outlook!
Last year was very tough for me. Every month that went by with no baby to show for it, I got more and more depressed. I survived the one year anniversary of my Mom passing away, celebrated my 2 year anniversary of being married, and at year's end, we found ourselves somewhere between 2 and 3 years of trying to conceive.
After our failed IUI in July (on our anniversary), we decided to take a much needed break from meds and doctors. Well, I did anyway. David saw a urologist, who checked for any physical or chemical reasons for his low counts and found nada. Which was good, and somewhat disappointing. During this journey, I've constantly been waiting for something to "fix" so we can be normal and have a baby the old fashioned way. But of course, it's not quite that simple.
We met with Dr. Khan a week or so ago to talk about IVF. It's not something I was thrilled about, but I wanted to be educated if this was in fact our next step, and so did David, so we went. We asked a lot of questions, well David did most of the asking, actually, since I've learned a lot from my BBC friends. It's a huge undertaking: physically, mentally and of course, financially. But with our situation, it's our best chance of having a family. Our chances with IUI were basically the same as naturally, about 10% (but even less with our issues), and with IVF, their success rates are about 57%.
I'm 27, David is almost 29. Some people may wonder why we are doing IVF now. We know we are "young" (not THAT young) and have at least a few good reproductive years ahead of us. But we're not the average couple. We have medical issues that prevent us from being able to conceive naturally. I'm so thankful that there is technology and science available that will be able to bring us the baby that we want SO badly.
And as my very wise friend Sabrina said, we can make money in the future ... in the future we can't just go get a child.
So, we have taken steps toward IVF, starting in March! We're so, so, so, so excited. Right now we're getting our finances in order and making sure my insurance company pre-authorizes everything. I'm lucky that I do have some infertility coverage, but it will still cost us quite a bit out of pocket. But to us, it is beyond worth it.
Sunday, July 10, 2011
Why siestas aren't for me
While I know siesta is technically a Spanish word, in Italy, it's actually pretty common to work until early afternoon, then go home for a few hours and rest. Then, you go back to work until about 7 or 8 p.m.
Lately I've been feeling so burnt out. There are times in the middle of the day I'd like to just go home, turn off the lights, and just be. Or, I'd like to get a whole bunch of things done during the day that I can't do since I work a typical 8:30-5 job.
This week DH and I had a couple of pretty real conversations about where we want our lives to go. We disagreed a lot in terms of timing, but I have to understand that we do both want the same things. It's just hard to swallow that not everything may happen according to my plan, my timeline.
Which makes me think back to Paola. She and her husband were separated by an entire body of water for more than five years. I never had the chance to meet him because he lived in Sardinia, a large island off the west coast of Italy. He lived there because he had a business and wanted to provide for his family. Paola ran a small bookstore with her sister Rafaella in Florence. It wasn't much, but she enjoyed it. Also, Paola and her husband wanted Guilia to have a good education, and she was accepted into a fine arts high school in Florence. So, they separated.
Italians really value the family, which is evident from the sacrifices this one family made for their daughter (and inadvertently, their long-term plan). Living away from my husband is not something I would want to do in order to fulfill my life plan, or for him to fulfill his. But the Italians have somehow managed to create a work-life balance that works. Or at least appears to work.
I wonder what Paola's life plan was, or if she had one at all. Was moving away with her daughter part of that original plan? From what I can decipher from my meager Italian skills, my thought is no. They missed him -- Papa -- terribly.
I try not to overplan, but I can't help it. I'm the kind of person that once I get what I want, I am already thinking about the next thing. It's hard for me to just be, and appreciate what I have.
A siesta, for me, right now, would be a sure waste of time. My mind races with downtime. I think of the worst. I dream of the best. I settle on what is, in my opinion, mediocrity. But I'm trying to find the value in just being. Breathing. Seeing. Smelling. Loving. And maybe doing all these things will help me see that whatever my plan turns out to be, it will be okay.
Lately I've been feeling so burnt out. There are times in the middle of the day I'd like to just go home, turn off the lights, and just be. Or, I'd like to get a whole bunch of things done during the day that I can't do since I work a typical 8:30-5 job.
This week DH and I had a couple of pretty real conversations about where we want our lives to go. We disagreed a lot in terms of timing, but I have to understand that we do both want the same things. It's just hard to swallow that not everything may happen according to my plan, my timeline.
Which makes me think back to Paola. She and her husband were separated by an entire body of water for more than five years. I never had the chance to meet him because he lived in Sardinia, a large island off the west coast of Italy. He lived there because he had a business and wanted to provide for his family. Paola ran a small bookstore with her sister Rafaella in Florence. It wasn't much, but she enjoyed it. Also, Paola and her husband wanted Guilia to have a good education, and she was accepted into a fine arts high school in Florence. So, they separated.
Italians really value the family, which is evident from the sacrifices this one family made for their daughter (and inadvertently, their long-term plan). Living away from my husband is not something I would want to do in order to fulfill my life plan, or for him to fulfill his. But the Italians have somehow managed to create a work-life balance that works. Or at least appears to work.
I wonder what Paola's life plan was, or if she had one at all. Was moving away with her daughter part of that original plan? From what I can decipher from my meager Italian skills, my thought is no. They missed him -- Papa -- terribly.
I try not to overplan, but I can't help it. I'm the kind of person that once I get what I want, I am already thinking about the next thing. It's hard for me to just be, and appreciate what I have.
A siesta, for me, right now, would be a sure waste of time. My mind races with downtime. I think of the worst. I dream of the best. I settle on what is, in my opinion, mediocrity. But I'm trying to find the value in just being. Breathing. Seeing. Smelling. Loving. And maybe doing all these things will help me see that whatever my plan turns out to be, it will be okay.
Sunday, July 3, 2011
Perche non?
One thing I can say for a fact is that Italians love to eat.
The funny thing about my Italian family was that because they were two women, while they loved to cook, they left the eating to us Americans. "Mangia!" we would be instructed if we didn't clean our plates, which were full of carbs, carbs, more carbs, and a few leaves of lettuce. Yum.
But while we think Italians are gelato- and tiramsu-eating machines, that is not really the case, at least not with my two 102-pound Italian family members. So "dessert" was usually a pear, if anything (one that Paola had to peel for me because I had never peeled one in my life).
It wasn't long before my classmates and I found a little gelato place near our school (The British Institute) called "Perche non?" Translation: Why not?
And at 1 euro a pop, it truly was a miracle if we were able to resist.
I've always liked to bake, and it makes me happy. So tonight I cooked a nice meal for the hubby and me and then make a delish cupcake, courtesy of Peabody. I cheated by using boxed devil's food because I was more interested in the frosting and the cute little filled raspberry garnishes on top. They were so yummy! DH had 3. I had 2. Diet tomorrow. Seriously.
They came out pretty good, right? Next time I won't make the frosting as runny, but I don't like an overly sweet frosting. Ah, well.
Now there are 19 cupcakes sitting in my house. Smelling yummy. This is bad. While I'm done munching for the evening, I'm afraid my fleeting willpower will be overpowered by the "perche, no?" mentality. And if it does, well, that just means one less cupcake I'll have to mangio tomorrow.
The funny thing about my Italian family was that because they were two women, while they loved to cook, they left the eating to us Americans. "Mangia!" we would be instructed if we didn't clean our plates, which were full of carbs, carbs, more carbs, and a few leaves of lettuce. Yum.
But while we think Italians are gelato- and tiramsu-eating machines, that is not really the case, at least not with my two 102-pound Italian family members. So "dessert" was usually a pear, if anything (one that Paola had to peel for me because I had never peeled one in my life).
It wasn't long before my classmates and I found a little gelato place near our school (The British Institute) called "Perche non?" Translation: Why not?
And at 1 euro a pop, it truly was a miracle if we were able to resist.
I've always liked to bake, and it makes me happy. So tonight I cooked a nice meal for the hubby and me and then make a delish cupcake, courtesy of Peabody. I cheated by using boxed devil's food because I was more interested in the frosting and the cute little filled raspberry garnishes on top. They were so yummy! DH had 3. I had 2. Diet tomorrow. Seriously.
They came out pretty good, right? Next time I won't make the frosting as runny, but I don't like an overly sweet frosting. Ah, well.
Now there are 19 cupcakes sitting in my house. Smelling yummy. This is bad. While I'm done munching for the evening, I'm afraid my fleeting willpower will be overpowered by the "perche, no?" mentality. And if it does, well, that just means one less cupcake I'll have to mangio tomorrow.
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